Fending off burnout. Again.

So I'm pausing subscriptions until my life gets less busy 😔

Last week I argued with my partner because he wouldn't enthusiastically agree with me that I seemed to have more energy lately.

“But I don't lie down anywhere near as much these days!” I said, and he pressed his lips together in a way that I understand as contemplation or doubt.

“Maybe,” he said.

“Definitely!” I said.

It pissed me off that he couldn't validate me in my belief that Things Were Getting Better. Also known as Finally, I Am Fixed Forever!

But this week I got the heavy burnout feeling again. Where it feels like my muscles have stopped working. Like gravity has increased, and I struggle to lift my arms even while lying down.

My job takes so much energy. My days are full of interesting conversations with different people, but as an introverted autistic person I can find my cells begging for rest.

I feel lucky to have a creative, fulfilling, adequately paid job but it is challenging, with my seemingly over-active nervous system. When the majority of the academic year is still ahead like this, I can feel it weighing on me. Will I be able to get through?

I’ve asked to cut my hours, and this is in process, but what if I can’t manage to perform for all the weeks before my request is granted?

I’ve learned that pushing through can be bad for my health. But what other options are there? Really?

It made me wonder what solutions you have found for burnout. What revives you? And how do you manage to maintain your responsibilities when you can feel yourself starting to run out of spoons?

Things that help

The one-day-at-a-time ethos of Alcoholics Anonymous helps a bit. When I remember. We only have to do a day at a time. But if all those days tire the shit out of you, it’s still pretty overwhelming. Will my whole life be just fending off burnout? Because I don’t want that.

Breaking the day down into smaller pieces makes it feel more manageable too. It isn’t three two-hour seminars, it’s six fifty minute sessions. (Still sounds like a lot to me.) Going outside the classroom whenever I can. Micro breaks.

Lying under my weighted blanket for ten minutes during lunch when the sensory overload gets too much.

But might there be a job that didn’t take so much from me? Or is this what it’s like to be autistic and in full-time work? I was a library assistant for a while - a lovely, quiet, easy job - and I still had to lie down when I got home because it was so exhausting.

I thought being a writer was the answer, but even that turned out to be incredibly people-y. I had to supplement my advances with school visits, workshops and teaching residential courses, as well as promotional events. And the newness of all those people made it harder on the nervous system. I used to dread every visit on my calendar because of the onslaught that would rain down on my nervous system.

I’m lucky, and I know that. I get paid well for doing work I enjoy (some of the time). But it’s hard living up to neurotypical standards, that even neurotypicals find impossible. And I wish that my diagnosis had brought a few more breaks. Increased self-compassion is wonderful, but a little extra life support is what I really need.

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Energy audit

I interviewed Aki Schilz, director of The Literary Consultancy earlier today for a seminar, and she talked about something she calls an energy audit.

You draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and on the left you write: REPLENISH and on the right: DRAIN.

Add the things currently on your plate and see how well-balanced your energy is RN. How many of your current tasks and responsibilities replenish you? How many drain you?

I need to get more into the replenishing side. So, let’s try this out. What replenishes you?

REPLENISH

Make no plans for the whole weekend ✔

Potter in the garden. This is more work. NO X

Read kindle or book (i.e. not online) ✔

Brainstorm ideas for finishing my novel on Scrivener (is this really replenishing? Not totally sure.) This is more work so NO. X

Teditate (i.e. gazing into the eyes of Ted, my half-siamese cat) ✔

Cuddle Tom ✔

Watch a film ✔

Okay, five things. But you see how I snuck productivity in there as rest? God damn my capitalist soul. I’m taking it back, but it’s hard.

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Until I get part-time at work, I’m going to struggle to keep up with this newsletter. I love writing it when I have time, but lately I don’t, so I’m going to pause subscriptions. I’ll just write sporadically, until I feel I can maintain a schedule again.

In the meantime, please tell me techniques you have found for fending off burnout. And tell me what you have found to help with living well post-diagnosis. Is there ANY support anywhere? Do support groups help? I was so hopeful I might find my autistic community, but so far have found nothing.

Help!

I look forward to hearing from you, and I wish you all replenishing times because you deserve them.

Chelsey x