I relate to so, so much of this. I think we've had similar experiences and I suspect could talk about all this for hours. I used to drink for social ease too, and had fun doing it! I found the right edge for jokes (to borrow your term), I was outgoing and bold, etc. It's like, when I'm sober there's a translator in my mind for everything I do, some intermediary step that takes all my attention (like you describe), whereas when I drink those pipes are cleared and things flow more smoothly for me. But I've mostly stopped drinking, for a few reasons.
Groups are anathema to me. I find them very difficult to navigate, and unenjoyable. So, now I avoid them. The term masking confuses me as well. I think what I do now, which is maybe unmasking and maybe not, is say no to things that I struggle with, rather than grin and bear them. Like trying to be part of a group, or hosting people at my house. (I may change my mind about that as my kids grow, but right now with these little ones, it's too much to manage them AND host guests).
I loved your article. Thank you for the clarity and honesty in a world full of the opposites. I think the capacity for pain is different in many levels. I have found that diving in mindful compassion has been such a discovery of responses to big questions like that. You are also a great catalyst and I send you a big hug.
Thanks Marcela! I have never been called a great catalyst, but I am very happy for this to be the first time. Thanks for reading and commenting, and I send you a big hug back : )
I think some of us were handed heavier costumes to wear because society/family/friend etc. have convinced us everything about us is wrong, weird, uncanny, unwanted.
In the book Taking Of The Mask by Dr Hannah Louise Belcher, she writes about an article by Dr Wenn Lawson who talks about how we shouldn't really call it camouflaging or masking as it often implies that it being done on purpose. Dr Lawson suggests the term 'adaptive morphing'. I'm not sure if that's better but I thought it was interesting with what you have written.
I could walk away but no one is following. I've never been anyones top pick when it comes to friends. I have had to watch as other people paired up, no one picking me. It's interesting to look back on now. Was the difference in me sensed? Or was I just too closed off to be picked? 🖤
Masking has been way of life for me which I didn´t realise for many years.
I recently tried to have a conversation by opening up about a little known area of my life but the response was ´but you aren´t autistic and you don´t have adhd, you´re the most normal person I know´.
I tried to explain that it wasn´t really me, that I had learned the behaviour that was necessary to be successful but that I really wanted the people I cared about to actually get to know the real me without being judged... ´So are you masking now?´ she asked...
Oh I won´t, in fact I tried again with a guy who´s giving me some financial advice and that went a bit better.
I emailed before our meeting and asked the questions that I knew I´d forget face to face... he thought I was a professional investment advisor (😇)
When we then met face to face, I explained a little about myself to him and I actually felt comfortable enough to ask for support in understanding what he was explaining (3? 4? 5? times (🤷♀️).
I had no idea I was masking until it was pointed out to me so the unmasking process is a real challenge. I´m enjoying it and becoming more comfortable in my uncomfortableness but I would never have been able to do that without your diagnosis.
I believe it has changed my (our) lives for the better for the most part. And your writings and thorough research work to help people will be a lifeline for some. Xxx
I relate to this...but I feel that also I didn't have the intuition to even know I wouldn't be followed...I had to learn even that. I had a bad experience at work recently with unmasking and being reported to management. It worked out in the end but I had to reveal and talk about things I would have preferred not to, so unmasking is definitely still a balance beam I'm walking, especially at work. I want to unmask, but really feel like I can't at work...it's frustrating. Also, I would not and still won't be followed.
Wow Melissa, you flatter me! Check out my intuition! I also have a lasting memory of just walking along behind girls linking arms or like falling off the pavement because there wasn't room for us all and I just so badly wanted to me include.
Ah, the good old days!
Yikes that sounds tough at work. What happened? DM me if you want solidarity...
I'm glad it worked out in the end tho it sounds stressful. That is the sad truth, there is risk to disclosing and unmasking. Dr Devon price talks and writes about this a lot.
I'm in a privileged position to be where I am, in the softhearted liberal arts, with sufficient writing talent/connections to get a comfortable academic job.
I hope things get better.
Again Devon price talks about how the reality is to unmask really most of us most of us have to trand
Oops posted too early... Most of have to transform our lives if we really want to unmask and cut right down the number of demands on us and lose things of value to us ie a decent salary...
I think the difference is in incongruity between inside and outside is what causes the ‘crush’ a felt conflict. If I have learned that the feelings I feel are “not ok” because of the dualistic mindset or good/bad rather than spectrum inclusivity, when I feel a rejection inside, a tightness, I want to get away from what I feel is bad, or I want to get away from my own thinking - this pathologizing myself - both, either can be crushing. When I stopped drinking it was a game to see everyone else’s masking. Then I got bored and decided I’d rather stay at home reading my Sanskrit dictionary on Friday night. Yes literally. When I thought “now that’s cool!” I felt ok telling people that because I really thought it was cool~ inside and out. Drinking was just stupid.
Thank you for sharing this - there's a lot to sit with here... I think I follow what you’re saying about the ‘crush’ being that painful tension between your internal experience and how you’ve been taught to interpret it through a binary lens (good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable). That part really resonates, especially the sense of trying to escape both the feeling and the thoughts about the feeling, and how that can feel overwhelming or even self-punishing.
I’m really intrigued by what you said about sobriety becoming a kind of game - like suddenly seeing everyone else’s masks. And then getting sick of it.
I’ve definitely had moments like that too, and getting sober definitely opened up this whole new lens.
Lately I've seen getting sober as the first crucial step in unmasking. Without that I don't think I could have done any of the rest... Not that I'm complete! I feel painfully unfinished sometimes but that could be a part of what artemisia xene (used to be Rudy simone) recently referred to as the autistic push for perfection when I talked it through with her.
I LOVE the image of you with your Sanskrit dictionary on a Friday night, completely owning that joy. That inside-out alignment feels like a kind of freedom I’m still working towards. I still find it hard to follow thru with stuff which is really frustrating so spend a lot more time on my phone than with my version of the Sanskrit dictionary! Hard to balance being compassionate with yourself and not letting your dreams slide isn't it?
(Also, yes, drinking really does seem so pointless in hindsight… but only when you’re far enough away from the reasons you did it in the first place.) I actually have so much to say on this topic!
You are welcome. I want to read what you wrote carefully and I will. I want to write more but right now I am flummoxed as to how Substack works s I have no idea how I found your reply. or how to find it again, or to get back to your page, if there are pages, where I can post etc. My own page, why do random posts show up that I do not want! I will look for help because I am enjoying the dialogue with you!
Maybe you won't see this… but are you using it on your phone or a laptop? I want to help but am actually a bit hopeless with things like this myself.
I do know that my letters will come to you via email and you can either read them on your inbox or click to follow the link which will take you to read it in Substack.
I'll try and help more if I can work out how to explain in language how it all works! ❤️
I think you should get a notification via email saying you have a reply to a post, too…
Yes, I think so too. Tho I often feel uncomfortable to admit I believe this on my own count due to arriving at a state of quite a privileged and peaceful existence. But it was very hard to grow up masked, feeling so wrong and I'm still unpicking lots of it and trying to work out who I am and what I can actually manage, life-wise.
I have heard a lot about that book but I haven't read it yet. I think it might be published by the same publisher my contract is with. My editor maybe have even sent it to me! I will check.
'adaptive morphing' is a bit of a mouthful tho sounds accurate. I love Devon Price's take on it as he writes that to be masked is a form of social exclusion. And so unmasking is maybe a form of activism. Also he critiques the 'female phenotype' which I had previously found helpful but more recently see as a bit narrow...
I'm not in agreement with all of his ideas but I think that it's more accurate to say autistic women were overlooked for the same reason endometriosis etc has been overlooked: because of gender disparity and marginalisation of certain groups in society.
Long response, hope you enjoy it 😊 (that's me resisting urge to apologise)
Perhaps we should collaborate on something on this subject ❤️
! The translator! And so much of your description matches mine. Hey maybe we should collaborate on a piece in one of the ways Substack offers...! I haven't done that yet.
Hosting is an interesting one. I have strong urges to do it but actually find it very stressful but still have the urge. Can't work out if the urge is from within me or an aspiration that is not so much within me...
Oh Laura, it all feels very confusing! I think that is part of the au-dhd experience. I see so many excellent memes on this. (The format of our generation 😅)
I relate to so, so much of this. I think we've had similar experiences and I suspect could talk about all this for hours. I used to drink for social ease too, and had fun doing it! I found the right edge for jokes (to borrow your term), I was outgoing and bold, etc. It's like, when I'm sober there's a translator in my mind for everything I do, some intermediary step that takes all my attention (like you describe), whereas when I drink those pipes are cleared and things flow more smoothly for me. But I've mostly stopped drinking, for a few reasons.
Groups are anathema to me. I find them very difficult to navigate, and unenjoyable. So, now I avoid them. The term masking confuses me as well. I think what I do now, which is maybe unmasking and maybe not, is say no to things that I struggle with, rather than grin and bear them. Like trying to be part of a group, or hosting people at my house. (I may change my mind about that as my kids grow, but right now with these little ones, it's too much to manage them AND host guests).
I loved your article. Thank you for the clarity and honesty in a world full of the opposites. I think the capacity for pain is different in many levels. I have found that diving in mindful compassion has been such a discovery of responses to big questions like that. You are also a great catalyst and I send you a big hug.
Thanks Marcela! I have never been called a great catalyst, but I am very happy for this to be the first time. Thanks for reading and commenting, and I send you a big hug back : )
I think some of us were handed heavier costumes to wear because society/family/friend etc. have convinced us everything about us is wrong, weird, uncanny, unwanted.
In the book Taking Of The Mask by Dr Hannah Louise Belcher, she writes about an article by Dr Wenn Lawson who talks about how we shouldn't really call it camouflaging or masking as it often implies that it being done on purpose. Dr Lawson suggests the term 'adaptive morphing'. I'm not sure if that's better but I thought it was interesting with what you have written.
I could walk away but no one is following. I've never been anyones top pick when it comes to friends. I have had to watch as other people paired up, no one picking me. It's interesting to look back on now. Was the difference in me sensed? Or was I just too closed off to be picked? 🖤
Masking has been way of life for me which I didn´t realise for many years.
I recently tried to have a conversation by opening up about a little known area of my life but the response was ´but you aren´t autistic and you don´t have adhd, you´re the most normal person I know´.
I tried to explain that it wasn´t really me, that I had learned the behaviour that was necessary to be successful but that I really wanted the people I cared about to actually get to know the real me without being judged... ´So are you masking now?´ she asked...
Ouch that hurts! When you were so vulnerable and that isn't easy...
Don't give up though!
It's tough cos people are tryna be encouraging and kind but it's just crushing isn't it xxx
Oh I won´t, in fact I tried again with a guy who´s giving me some financial advice and that went a bit better.
I emailed before our meeting and asked the questions that I knew I´d forget face to face... he thought I was a professional investment advisor (😇)
When we then met face to face, I explained a little about myself to him and I actually felt comfortable enough to ask for support in understanding what he was explaining (3? 4? 5? times (🤷♀️).
I had no idea I was masking until it was pointed out to me so the unmasking process is a real challenge. I´m enjoying it and becoming more comfortable in my uncomfortableness but I would never have been able to do that without your diagnosis.
I believe it has changed my (our) lives for the better for the most part. And your writings and thorough research work to help people will be a lifeline for some. Xxx
I relate to this...but I feel that also I didn't have the intuition to even know I wouldn't be followed...I had to learn even that. I had a bad experience at work recently with unmasking and being reported to management. It worked out in the end but I had to reveal and talk about things I would have preferred not to, so unmasking is definitely still a balance beam I'm walking, especially at work. I want to unmask, but really feel like I can't at work...it's frustrating. Also, I would not and still won't be followed.
Wow Melissa, you flatter me! Check out my intuition! I also have a lasting memory of just walking along behind girls linking arms or like falling off the pavement because there wasn't room for us all and I just so badly wanted to me include.
Ah, the good old days!
Yikes that sounds tough at work. What happened? DM me if you want solidarity...
I'm glad it worked out in the end tho it sounds stressful. That is the sad truth, there is risk to disclosing and unmasking. Dr Devon price talks and writes about this a lot.
I'm in a privileged position to be where I am, in the softhearted liberal arts, with sufficient writing talent/connections to get a comfortable academic job.
I hope things get better.
Again Devon price talks about how the reality is to unmask really most of us most of us have to trand
Oops posted too early... Most of have to transform our lives if we really want to unmask and cut right down the number of demands on us and lose things of value to us ie a decent salary...
I think the difference is in incongruity between inside and outside is what causes the ‘crush’ a felt conflict. If I have learned that the feelings I feel are “not ok” because of the dualistic mindset or good/bad rather than spectrum inclusivity, when I feel a rejection inside, a tightness, I want to get away from what I feel is bad, or I want to get away from my own thinking - this pathologizing myself - both, either can be crushing. When I stopped drinking it was a game to see everyone else’s masking. Then I got bored and decided I’d rather stay at home reading my Sanskrit dictionary on Friday night. Yes literally. When I thought “now that’s cool!” I felt ok telling people that because I really thought it was cool~ inside and out. Drinking was just stupid.
Thank you for sharing this - there's a lot to sit with here... I think I follow what you’re saying about the ‘crush’ being that painful tension between your internal experience and how you’ve been taught to interpret it through a binary lens (good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable). That part really resonates, especially the sense of trying to escape both the feeling and the thoughts about the feeling, and how that can feel overwhelming or even self-punishing.
I’m really intrigued by what you said about sobriety becoming a kind of game - like suddenly seeing everyone else’s masks. And then getting sick of it.
I’ve definitely had moments like that too, and getting sober definitely opened up this whole new lens.
Lately I've seen getting sober as the first crucial step in unmasking. Without that I don't think I could have done any of the rest... Not that I'm complete! I feel painfully unfinished sometimes but that could be a part of what artemisia xene (used to be Rudy simone) recently referred to as the autistic push for perfection when I talked it through with her.
I LOVE the image of you with your Sanskrit dictionary on a Friday night, completely owning that joy. That inside-out alignment feels like a kind of freedom I’m still working towards. I still find it hard to follow thru with stuff which is really frustrating so spend a lot more time on my phone than with my version of the Sanskrit dictionary! Hard to balance being compassionate with yourself and not letting your dreams slide isn't it?
(Also, yes, drinking really does seem so pointless in hindsight… but only when you’re far enough away from the reasons you did it in the first place.) I actually have so much to say on this topic!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response 💝
You are welcome. I want to read what you wrote carefully and I will. I want to write more but right now I am flummoxed as to how Substack works s I have no idea how I found your reply. or how to find it again, or to get back to your page, if there are pages, where I can post etc. My own page, why do random posts show up that I do not want! I will look for help because I am enjoying the dialogue with you!
Maybe you won't see this… but are you using it on your phone or a laptop? I want to help but am actually a bit hopeless with things like this myself.
I do know that my letters will come to you via email and you can either read them on your inbox or click to follow the link which will take you to read it in Substack.
I'll try and help more if I can work out how to explain in language how it all works! ❤️
I think you should get a notification via email saying you have a reply to a post, too…
Yes, I think so too. Tho I often feel uncomfortable to admit I believe this on my own count due to arriving at a state of quite a privileged and peaceful existence. But it was very hard to grow up masked, feeling so wrong and I'm still unpicking lots of it and trying to work out who I am and what I can actually manage, life-wise.
I have heard a lot about that book but I haven't read it yet. I think it might be published by the same publisher my contract is with. My editor maybe have even sent it to me! I will check.
'adaptive morphing' is a bit of a mouthful tho sounds accurate. I love Devon Price's take on it as he writes that to be masked is a form of social exclusion. And so unmasking is maybe a form of activism. Also he critiques the 'female phenotype' which I had previously found helpful but more recently see as a bit narrow...
I'm not in agreement with all of his ideas but I think that it's more accurate to say autistic women were overlooked for the same reason endometriosis etc has been overlooked: because of gender disparity and marginalisation of certain groups in society.
Long response, hope you enjoy it 😊 (that's me resisting urge to apologise)
Perhaps we should collaborate on something on this subject ❤️
! The translator! And so much of your description matches mine. Hey maybe we should collaborate on a piece in one of the ways Substack offers...! I haven't done that yet.
Hosting is an interesting one. I have strong urges to do it but actually find it very stressful but still have the urge. Can't work out if the urge is from within me or an aspiration that is not so much within me...
Oh Laura, it all feels very confusing! I think that is part of the au-dhd experience. I see so many excellent memes on this. (The format of our generation 😅)
Thanks for your thoughtful reply ❤️