Last week my mum pointed out that for me, ADHD is dominant.
“You can almost manage the autism,” she said. “But the ADHD is completely unmanageable.”
She had just read my article about taking a sip of cava, and noticed that I focused on the Autistic part of my experience at graduation that led to The Sip.
9 Years Sober and I drank Some Cava and Here's Why I'm Not Making a Big Deal of It
Last week or the week before, I went to my third-year students’ graduation. This event is the highlight of the academic year. It’s wonderful, and I LOVE seeing my students, finally getting a sense of what the hell we have all been up to for the last days, weeks and months in the seminar rooms (or not).
Actually, it was a lot of ADHD stuff that drove me to that point. And discussing it with my sponsor afterwards (also diagnosed with ADHD, fyi) she suggested it sounded like ‘an ADHD rock bottom’.
A moment of madness, after a perfect storm of triggers…
I almost missed the event, for starters. Arrived with minutes to spare in not at all the right outfit. Hair that didn't complement the weird little square cardboard hat I am expected to wear. Not ready, basically. Again.
And then blurting out to my colleagues, panting, that I almost hadn't made it before running off to get my intellectual owl costume… Cue spiralling about how unprofessional I am, and whether they all secretly hate me - classic rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Play the ancient self-loathing mixtape on repeat, all while smiling and appearing collegiate and functional among my peers, superiors and students.
And alongside the self-loathing, genuine bewilderment over how this had even happened when I had been aware of the occasion for months. Had been aware of the occasion that very morning, in fact.
“BECAUSE ADHD!” the ADHD Adults podcast hosts would say.
But in the moment, I use extra energy trying to work it out, ever-hopeful I can change.
So what happened?
As usual, I lost track of time while writing. Possibly writing one of these or maybe my book or maybe the novel. Hyper focus + time blindness in the language of ADHDers.
Being a disorganised, selfish, unprofessional fuckwit in the language of my ancient self-loathing mixtape.
I am coming to place ADHD firmly in the camp of disorder. Not a superpower. A disability.
It breaks my heart to say it, and I know it’s not my fault, but the truth is that my working memory deficit makes me unreliable. I forget to do the small favours or tasks people ask of me often. I let people (and myself) down. It isn't fair. And it’s disappointing.
And I don't seem able to fix it.
That’s why I have a diagnosis of ADHD.
Immediately post-diagnosis, I went through an ADHD is a superpower phase.
Something Devon Price talks about almost as a neurodivergent rite of passage in his book Unmasking Autism.
Because it’s uncomfortable to admit quite how badly ADHD messes up my life on a daily basis. And the hyperfocus that’s occasionally part of it isn't adequate pay-off. Much as I would like to believe otherwise, hyperfocusing on writing gets me into almost as much trouble as losing my belongings.
I like who I am, when not under pressure, and with sufficient bandwidth. In those rare moments where I can just be, I can easily connect with a childlike sense of wonder and joy at just being alive and having a body and living on a planet with trees and flowers and creatures.
I can be silly and funny and kind.
But when I have to get somewhere on time, with the right items, to be perceived by others, or choose an outfit, or wear the correct clothes for the current weather (my best effort is to dress for yesterday)… I struggle. And I get stressed. And I can't access my sense of humour. And I make daft mistakes. And I can be snappy, too. Or beat myself up. Act petulant out of sheer frustration.
It's really striking the difference in my personality based on the different demands I’m having to try and deal with. I’m much more fun when I don’t have to leave the house/garden.
What do you reckon? Superpower or disorder?
The ADHD Adults say something along the lines of “ADHD: Making simple things look difficult since 1789.” And it's SO TRUE.
The combination of the conversation with mum + exposure to the podcast + ongoing lived experience via the chaos of my daily life - raising a toddler + a dog and two cats + almost no working memory… all of it has pushed me to confront ADHD in a way I haven’t yet.
My upcoming book discusses undiagnosed neurodivergence and addiction, drawing from my experience of drinking to cope, then getting sober and getting a late diagnosis, currently centres Autism. Something I am in the process of fixing.
Book Deal Announcement! 🎉
I’m so happy to finally be able to share that I’ve got a book contract with Jessica Kingsley Publishers! They have published some amazing books, including Rudy Simone’s trailblaizing Aspergirls, Pete Wharmby’s What I Want to Talk About and Charlotte Amelia Poe
ADHD is so core to my personality, I don’t really see it. I am forgetful, disorganised, hyper-chatty and thinky, easily distracted, messy, relentlessly late, find it almost impossible to focus and have significant struggles with executive function in various impactful ways (tho can’t remember any of them rn.)
Mum is the same. She used to be better at masking, and yesterday she said she missed it, which made us both laugh really hard, for some reason.
“I used to be able to keep the house clean, and have everything sorted…” she said wistfully, like, what happened?
“I forget my phone sometimes, too.”
Well-meaning friends have said this when trying to soothe my seemingly outlandish frustration with myself for losing track of my belongings.
They say this because they want me to give myself a break. They are trying to connect and reduce my shame, I think. They don’t realise they are witnessing the tip of the iceberg or the straw that broke the camel’s back.
This comment, without evidence that the person delivering it really does struggle keeping track of their belongings to a similar degree as me, actually compounds my feelings of shame.
Because, implied in their comments is not only that I am not struggling more than anyone else (we all lose our phones sometimes!) but I'm also demanding special treatment for this non-struggle.
‘Labelling’ myself unnecessarily.
And it’s true: everyone forgets their keys or phone or coat sometimes, but I misplace belongings dozens of times a day. Phones, keys and laptop most. But also pens, cooking implements and books. I even lost my 140-page manuscript for a few days last week. A thick sheaf of A4 paper, just… gone.
ADHD is the extreme end of a normal human trait.
We do all forget things sometimes.
I do it all the time. All day long, every day.
I make these mistakes frequently, as standard, every single day. No reprieve.
These obstacles to good progress are the norm. Not an aberration. But constant occurrences throughout each day in a life beset with these small obstacles.
All day. Every day.
Watching my friends and colleagues, this is not the same for all of them. We are all different.
We are not all a little bit ADHD. ADHD is the extreme end of a collection of regular human traits.
This is the one thing I wish everyone understood.
My favourite articles on Substack this week:
Ebony L wrote a fantastic piece this week about Autistic women, alcohol use and the shameful lack of inclusive research on these subjects. (Also she name-checked me which made me feel extremely legit.)
Naoise Dolan has written another excellent piece about what we can all do in the face of genocide in Gaza.
And Becky Handley (she/they) writes to her Autistic kid self. <3
📚 Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a book for Jessica Kingsley Publishers about the connection between undiagnosed neurodiversity and addiction + her first domestic noir. 📚
A little bit ADHD doesn’t exist except by people who don’t realise that it’s a part of who we are.
We are so lucky, we both get that it isn’t normal and much of the time we can laugh helplessly and Paddy dances around with us living and enjoying the warmth, the happiness and the love
This week I am taking the steps to join that long line for an ADHD assessment. I really value reading your work, I always felt as though the thoughts and the self talk that came with it were my private little Labarynth, but watching, reading and learning from your experiences has been eye opening. Thank you so much for carving time out to write and share.