Tips to Fend Off Autistic Burn Out

Or how to live your best HORIZONTAL life...

Portrait of the artist as a potato.

Hi lovely readers,

This is a note from my horizontal world to say I am a bit burnt out and so can’t quite manage to write the way I normally do. I’m also finding it impossible to stick to a regular schedule (aka every Monday) which Substack swears is ESSENTIAL.

I write weekly, but can’t always manage it on the same day. Do you mind? Days make no sense to me, and so I wonder if I’ll ever be able to post religiously every Monday.

How much does this bother you? Permission to tell the truth.

Lots of you will have read about how I lost a lot of years due to not knowing what was wrong with me, and why I struggled so much to make it (by which I mean, earn enough money and not feel vaguely suicidal all the time) in this world. I spent years numbing the worry around this with beer. And then I got sober, and things started to make a bit more sense.

And then life got really busy. I feel like I am desperately trying to catch up, to reach certain milestones that it looked like I might never meet…

Also, it is my beloved (and probably undiagnosed autistic) dad’s memorial this weekend. He died in February, but Covid meant we couldn’t have a proper get-together. Finally, now, we can. And so I’m a little nervous about that. I don’t like parties at the best of times, and this one seems… sad.

I know it will be good to hear stories about my lovely pa, but I know that I will have a lot of anxious feelings, too. Being around groups is tricky. Being around groups from The Past is extra tricky.

So basically, dear reader, my brain is fried. Defending against burnout. And so this post is really just a letter from my settee. I hope that’s okay. So here are the things I’m trying.

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1. Watch shows/learn about autism

To fend off the overwhelm I have been watching Atypical. What do you think of this show? I love it, in spite of being disappointed to discover they hadn’t thought to cast an autistic actor as the star. Keir Gilchrist is good, but what a wasted opportunity.

I also love the way that his mum, Elsa, is coded as autistic too. Perhaps all of the mums with autistic kids are. And she is a pretty good mum, though far from perfect. She gets better as the show develops. I love watching this.

I’m desperate to watch Everything’s Gonna Be Okay, but I can’t find a way to access it while living in the stupid UK. If anyone can help, please tell me HOW/WHERE I can watch it, quick.

Also, in case I never get off the sofa again, what are the best shows about autism? Help me!

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2. Stop masking at home

This is tough because I have the sweetest and most beautiful boyfriend. I really want him to love me forever and I worry that if he sees how horizontal I truly am he will leave me for somebody more vertical. Do you relate?

I use a lot of energy pretending to be more capable than I am, even at home. Honestly, I’m not sure he even falls for it anymore, but my pride pushes me to seem competent.

I try to do half the cooking, though cooking makes my brain hurt and also is tiring because I have to rinse my fingertips every single time anything touches them. I hate the feeling of cheese on my hands. Same with butter. Same with All The Foods. And so I wash my hands in between touching each ingredient. I have to. I can’t help it.

Also, I am extremely clumsy and so I drop things, do things in the wrong order, and make a lot of mess too. I am embarrassed about all of these things (not very womanly, etc) and so I work extra hard to push through. To hide it.

This week, I can’t manage it.

If it’s my turn to cook, I can make jacket potato. Or get a takeaway. DEAL WITH IT.

I mean, Is that okay, babe?

What quick fixes have you found for domestic shizz? Because I find it so challenging/stressful/noisy/unpleasant/confusing, and have a lot of guilt because my partner is basically a domestic god. So, I’m lucky. But I want him to feel lucky too! Please share any domestic tips, quick. Help a goddess out.

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3. Stop beating yourself up about slow progress on your projects

I’ve finished the first draft of my new novel, and have begun editing the chapters to fill in the plot holes that I currently know about. The aim is to get a draft finished so people can read it and give me feedback before I send it to my agent.

At the moment, I am averaging editing less than one chapter a day. And I really need to get better at accepting that. Because it is reality. (Grrr.)

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4. Remember you are disabled

Probably some people don’t love the idea of identifying as disabled. Personally, to me, it feels fine. Relaxing, even. For many years I have been super aware of all the things I can’t do (find my way around, say goodbye at the right time, remember things, follow instructions, use technology, know what day it is, etc, etc.)

I pushed myself to Do Everything in spite of the fact that I was basically a real-life female Mr. Bean.

Incidents like this are why I mostly get the train now.

So these days, it’s a relief to let myself off the hook with doing certain things, because… Well. I just can’t.

I pursued diagnosis because I was struggling to keep up in a neurotypical world. I believed that knowing I was autistic would help me to slow down. To stop putting pressure on myself.

So far, honestly, that hasn’t really been the case. But I can keep working on it.

By the way, if you can’t afford diagnosis or have been told you don’t meet the criteria by a professional who you feel misunderstood, you can self-diagnose or just access the tools and techniques and content created for autistic people.

Clinical diagnosis is not at all accessible, especially for women and people of colour, which is why great swathes of the autistic community advocate for self-diagnosis.

So take the pressure off if you share my bad habit of pushing yourself too hard.

I don’t know about you, but I only got my diagnosis in December. I am still learning about what being autistic actually means for me. As I find out answers, I share them with you. 🎉 🎉 🎉

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5. Let go of perfectionism

Aim for good enough, baby. Even with the things that count the most. You are already trying so hard. I see you. <3

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Just wondering, asking for a friend, BUT HOW do you manage your energy? Do you use the spoons system? I have been meaning to do that for sooo long, but never get time. This is the frustrating thing, isn’t it? These methods and tools take time to learn, and my point is that I already can’t keep up with everything!

Oh dear. Woe is me, etc. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading your tips.

And if you like my writing and FINE art then please give the gift of money and join my elite crew of PAID subscribers. They get chapters of my novel, When the Earth Could Breathe, and also I dream of them in the night time.

Competition

I will give away a year’s free subscription to the most useful or amusing comment. So please, join the conversation! Let’s build a nest to hide in together.

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Watch (because reading is too hard this week)

Yo Samdy Sam on hating to-do lists:

And how she plans and organises:

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You can connect with the Autism community on Twitter. If you have a question, use #ActuallyAutistic or #AskingAutistics (or both). You can also visit The Autism Self Advocacy Network and the Autistic Not Weird Facebook page and website.

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Chelsey Flood is the author of Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a lecturer in creative writing at Falmouth University. She writes about freedom, addiction, nature and love at Beautiful Hangover, and is also working on a non-fiction book about getting sober, and a new YA novel.