Two Surprising Discoveries in Sobriety That Might Have Kept Me Drinking
The further I get from my first years of sobriety the more I recognize how difficult they were. So much needed to change! And it happened sooo slowly.
The uncomfortable truth is that you are right to be hesitant about getting sober. It is a huge transition. You will, in the process, become a completely different sort of person. Is that what you want?
Who are you really? Underneath all that posturing and bravado? Are you ready to find out?
Naturally, the urgent question you have, before you quit booze, is: Will the effort be worth it?
For me, it has paid off in bucket loads. Eventually. But it hasn’t been easy. Honestly, if I’d known all the ways my life would change, and how much work was ahead, I might never have agreed to this journey.
Here are the two surprising discoveries that Drinking Me might not have signed off on, and some reflections on why I’m so glad we did this, even without her approval.
1. My sober life is boring
My relationship is stable now. We are building a life together which is peaceful and pleasant. We have created a solid base from which to… just live. No emotional rollercoaster. No big rows. No more constant questioning: does he really love me? Can I trust him? Should I try to marry this guy?
I feel secure and comfortable and calm, and this *may* have been intolerable to the still-drinking version of me.
While I drank I was tormented by notions that life was supposed to be exciting and I was supposed to be exceptional. I picked up this idea as a teenager and never got around to challenging it. Even when I got a book deal with a major publisher I was more anxious than satisfied. And though my book won a major national prize I struggled to see the project as a success. I was focused on the major national prizes it didn’t win. Paying attention to the books that were doing better.
In the years since I got sober, I have developed a more mature and balanced perspective about how my life is supposed to be. I am still ambitious about my writing but I am better at celebrating the wins and accepting the losses.
A quiet and organized and happy home has become much more important to me. As has being healthy. I spend a lot of time nurturing these things. At weekends I do chores with my partner and exercise or see friends for a walk. Occasionally I go camping or for a swim. Most evenings, we have dinner and watch TV. My life is boring and repetitive and I absolutely love it.
It has taken a few years to get comfortable with this level of comfort. And drinking me might not have signed off on this. She was always signing me up for residencies and adventures that would push me out of my comfort zone. And she had no time for home-making, either, that girl.
Who would have thought she would be so happy in this nest?
2. I am neither happy-go-lucky nor laidback
Discovering this was a real blow. Beer allowed me to be fun and easygoing. Removing it showed me that I was uptight AF.
Getting sober meant that I had to learn how to navigate dozens of situations without ‘taking the edge off’. It meant living with myself 24/7. This was exhausting and occasionally excruciating.
Fast forward five years and life feels breezy. But it took a long time to discover who I really am, and what I actually like. There was a lot of experimentation and a fair few wrong turns along the way.
It is hard work, building a life that actually suits you.
If I had known how long it would take to feel okay, and earn enough money and deal with my various traumas, would I have stuck to the path? Does this appeal to you when I lay it out this way?
I hope I would have made the healthy decision. But I cannot be sure.
Getting sober is a huge change, and it takes hard work. This honest perspective doesn’t intend to scare you away from committing to this path, but rather to inspire you. Because for me, five years in, it has absolutely been worth it. One of the greatest no-brainers of my life.
But a year in, I wasn’t totally convinced.
Two years in, I had some reservations.
Three years in, I was starting to get comfortable.
Recovery is a long game. Life gets better incrementally. This is why it’s important to have people beside you who can celebrate the small wins when you are struggling to see them.
This is why AA’s adage of one day at a time is so unbelievably powerful. Focus on getting through today without drinking. Gradually this gets easier. Try to do your best to have a good day and be the best version of yourself, and eventually, your life starts to get better, too. Keep doing this, and I hope that you will find what I have found.
Without hesitation, I can tell you, life has never felt this good.
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What are/were your fears about getting sober? How long did it take you to feel like it was worth it?
If you need help to cope, you’re not alone.
If you’re ready to try something different, read beautiful hangover and discover what I did to get freedom from alcohol. Do whatever it takes to stay sober for 30 days: go to your doctor, try Smart or AA or Hip Sobriety or Soberistas.
Listen to Recovery Elevator and SHAIR podcasts. Read This Naked Mind. Try Moderation Management.
There is a whole community of people waiting to help you. Reach out. Something better is waiting.
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Chelsey Flood is the author of Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers and a lecturer in creative writing at Falmouth University. She writes about freedom, addiction, nature and love, and is working on a non-fiction book about getting sober and a new YA novel.
She also has an illustrated newsletter about Autism.