Week 5 of The Selfhood Experiment
Who will we become if we commit to more true NOs and YESs?
Here I am again, back on my nonsense, writing to share with you the week’s YES and NO, to remind myself of my quest to become more assertive and GROW AUTONOMY. And, of course, invite you to do the same.
The one true yes, one true no challenge began as a method of ‘unmasking’ inspired by simple guidelines, provided by an Autistic life coach: every week you say one true yes and one true no.
As I research masking for my book, I realise it’s a really common part of the human experience. We are, above all, collaborative. We need and crave each other’s company, contact and approval. But for some of us, this masking for approval is so much effort that we don’t get to develop the true self underneath.
This isn’t only an Au-DHD problem. It’s a part of what capitalism demands. SO please share my challenge widely, as it is much needed! Well beyond the bubble of neurodivergents.
And remember, your YES and NO must be purely for you, to make your life easier, more pleasant, joyful or comfortable.
Aka NOT people-pleasing.
Not masking.
NOT changing yourself to accommodate others.
Not trying to make yourself more palatable/normal-seeming/cool/chill.
My great hope is that doing this for long enough will build a more authentic/integrated self. It is the work that makes life enjoyable and we mustn’t belittle it. The harder you find the quest, the more you need it!
Okay, so here are mine:
YES to booking time off and giving myself a rest
I am overwhelmed and hormonal. Flat and down. Part of me insists I don’t deserve a break because I haven’t x or y or z. But I am overriding that part, and writing this in my joggers, in bed.
I had a permission slip to skip this entirely, but it’s too important. Besides, it’s possible that working here gives me back spoons of spirit unlike working elsewhere where spoons get slurped down like chicken soup.
NO to negative self talk
Think this one is a bit of an evergreen no for me. It doesn't take long for beating myself up to creep back in as I do make a lot of the same mistakes, over and over.
So unfortunately I have to remind myself of this again.
And a BONUS NO!
I have discovered a new place where people-pleasing sneaks in. I do it on behalf of my beautiful, naturally assertive partner. He very easily says no, when things aren’t convenient or don’t fit with his plans, and he does it regularly.
I’ve recently caught myself trying to wrangle a couple of his NOs into YESs, even though to do so would increase my own labour. What fresh hell doth I offer to thee?
Thank goodness I’ve caught this! I hereby renounce this behaviour.
And I vow to allow his lovely NOs to stand, even if they disappoint beloved friends or family members. Partner has much better logistical prowess than me, and his NOs come from solid practical sense, which I have not been so gifted to possess. Thus, I let his NOs stand.
FROM THIS POINT ON.
So what was your YES this week? Did you make plans that felt GOOD? Reread something old even though you SHOULD be expanding your horizons?
And how about your NO? Tell me you inconvenienced someone! (Gold standard for the people pleasers.)
Share your victories for inspiration.
Remember, the most engaged readers get the gift of TRANSFORMATION and also I will send you a comic strip of your best (in my opinion) YES and NO. <3
Please forgive any imperfections and spelling mishaps + the limitations of my talent, and tell me about your YES/NOs.
With love, humour, gentleness and respect,
Chelsey xx
Regular readers will know one of the main reasons I struggled so long/finally got diagnosed was because of my challenges interpreting my own feelings and desires. Masking to fit in, does not help with these difficulties, hence this sweet and dorky challenge. Join me!
Do I feel more like myself as a result of this yes and this no?
Week 5, and honestly, I am feeling KNACKERED.
Hormones + reality = hand me my eye mask and ear plugs, please.
And if you forgot to TRUE YES and NO along with me, it’s not too late to begin.
What will your next ones be?
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You can connect with the Autistic community on Twitter. If you have a question, use #ActuallyAutistic or #AskingAutistics (or both). You can also visit The Autism Self Advocacy Network and the Autistic Not Weird Facebook page and website.
📚 Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a book for Jessica Kingsley Publishers about the connection between undiagnosed neurodiversity and addiction, as well as her first domestic noir. 📚
Book Deal Announcement! 🎉
I’m so happy to finally be able to share that I’ve got a book contract with Jessica Kingsley Publishers! They have published some amazing books, including Rudy Simone’s trailblaizing Aspergirls, Pete Wharmby’s What I Want to Talk About and Charlotte Amelia Poe
Aaargh the idea of letting things fall apart is so scary but you are right, sometimes it is exactly what is needed. And I feel you on the autism assessment validity, too!
You know, Becky, you are dangerously close to getting a comic strip here. Thanks for joining in with my challenge!
Is there any step you can take to release control of the situation you refer to with your YES? 🙏
YES: I went to the fancy farm shop because it was the only one open Sunday night on the motorway to *definitely not buy booze* and I came out with actually no booze, but reduced organic meat, and fancy, very expensive kefir which is good for my sweet sweet gut microbiome.
NO: In response to continued fuckery from the client I'm freelancing for, I quit the project I had been long-suffering to complete out of obligation. So I get to sing the 'I resigned' song AGAIN!