Week 7 of The Unmasking Experiment

Who do you become when you commit to more true NOs and YESs just for you?

As I research masking for my upcoming book, I realise it’s a core part of the human experience. We are, above all, collaborative. We need and crave each other’s company, contact and approval. But for some of us, this masking for approval is so much effort that we don’t get to develop the true self underneath.

Do you relate?

So the rules, in case you need a refresher:

Your YES and NO must be purely for you, to make YOUR life easier, more pleasant, joyful or comfortable.

Aka NOT people-pleasing.

Not social camouflaging.

NOT changing yourself to accommodate others.

Not trying to make yourself more palatable/normal-seeming/cool/chiiiill.

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Okay, so here are mine:

YES to cheering myself on for putting myself out there

My One True YES is resisting mean thoughts about how my conference talk went and reassuring myself it was fab. To being as kind and encouraging as I would to my dearest friends and not give into RSD-based ruminations that want to hyperfocus on all the ways it could have been better.

I shared important research and spoke honestly about my experience, and that is commendable, not something to pile on myself for.

I slayed. 😅

[Wonder how much Beyonce uses this emoji.]

{Wonder if I am really comparing myself to Beyonce.}

Also I am saying YES to one chapter of my new book a day being sufficient. I was aiming for 3, but the content is heavy sometimes, and so I gave myself a break, and I’m now making great progress.

And YES also to tinkering with my domestic noir as a kind of light[er] relief.

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NO to signing up for any more structured dance classes

I WISH SO BADLY I could do dance classes because I LOVE dancing. But I just can't pick up routines in a group setting. Yesterday, I tried yet again, encouraged by my sweet partner, and after 10 extremely unenjoyable minutes of Mr Beaning at the back, I had to exit.

Don’t get me wrong, I got the moves, but not the same moves as the teacher. or anyone else in the class.

I’m more of a freestyle dancer.

Maybe I will finally actually try Rainbow Rhythms...

If it's good enough for Mark it's good enough for me.

My great hope is that doing this for long enough will build a more authentic/integrated self. Catch up on all the years you spent prioritising other people or trying to be someone one else.

Share your victorious NOs and glorious YESes and let me cheer you on from afar. Solidarity will get us through!

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Regular readers will know one of the main reasons I struggled so long/finally got diagnosed was because of my challenges interpreting my own feelings and desires. Masking to fit in, does not help with these difficulties, hence this sweet and dorky challenge. Join me!

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Do I feel more like myself as a result of this yes and this no?

Week 7, and I am feeling inspired and overwhelmed by the challenge that is life as a late-diagnosed NDer.

But I’m continuing with the quest, and that is meaningful to me.

And I have lots of new ideas about how to make things work better in the future.

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If you have fallen out of TRUE YESing and NOing along with me, it’s not too late to recommit.

What will your next ones be?

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You can connect with the Autistic community on Twitter. If you have a question, use #ActuallyAutistic or #AskingAutistics (or both). You can also visit The Autism Self Advocacy Network and the Autistic Not Weird Facebook page and website.

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📚 Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a book for Jessica Kingsley Publishers about the connection between undiagnosed neurodiversity and addiction, as well as her first domestic noir. 📚