What would I write about if I hadn't had all this STUFF to work through?

Winter reflections on creativity and life.

Winter is a time to rest and recuperate and watch the leaves gradually fall from the trees. I can feel myself slowing down, and this year I’m not fighting it.

Hurray!

Pausing my newsletters has given me the leisure time that I have been craving. No longer sitting up late or getting up early to write, I have spent more time lounging, and engaging in my first and foremost hobby: watching the cat and kitten play/fight/exert psychological warfare on each other.

Recently I gave my first paper at a conference. It was a conference about alcohol and I talked about the relationship between autism and alcohol. My paper took hours and hours to write. I was fully absorbed and fascinated by the material as I was preparing it.

But at some point, after I delivered it, or maybe just before, I realised how heavy the content was. It struck me that my dual obsessions of autism and addiction were slightly… weighty.

For so long, getting sober and solving these essential problems of my life has been my priority. It has been crucial and important, and I’ve learned so much. But lately, this question has been occurring to me: what would my interests be if I hadn’t had to do all of this work just to be okay?

I’m not sure of the answer. Maybe I would write funny illustrated stories about my cats.

Holly Smale, who was diagnosed around the same time as me, and who has become something of an advocate online tweeted recently about no longer wanting to share her trauma and this struck a chord with me.

🐌 Holly Smale 🐌 @HolSmale

I’m done with sharing my trauma with the world. Every time I speak to the media they want to know the nitty gritty of my past, essentially to “prove” that I’m autistic because I struggled. It’s trauma porn and I’m not doing it anymore. The world is not entitled to our pain.

🐌 Holly Smale 🐌 @HolSmale

I originally shared so that others wouldn’t feel so alone. But it’s become a “tell us how they hurt you” show and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m autistic. I don’t have to prove it, or justify it, or cut myself open to make others feel better. It’s been a learning curve.

Holly’s situation is different to mine, amplified by her increased success and followers (and trolls), but I relate.

Maybe the work (CBT, psychotherapy, 12-step reflection, inner child, EMDR) I’ve been doing over the last few years has changed me sufficiently that I’m no longer comfortable sharing so much of my inner world online. Or maybe I’m just tired. I don’t know.

But I am intrigued by this question of what projects I might begin if I didn’t feel compelled to raise awareness about these issues that I am passionate about because I have struggled with them myself.

It’s exciting.

One idea is to focus on (autistic?) joy. Since I got sober and stopped numbing myself so much, and worked on improving my emotional literacy, I experience a lot more joy. Could I focus on that? Would anyone care? Does happiness in fact write white?

Another idea is to focus on humour. Same stories, just a different lens.

I don’t know. I’m still working on my novel, though I have written myself into a corner. And I love writing to you lot. I just think maybe I’ve had enough of the seriousness.

With talent like this, the sky’s the limit.

For now.

Maybe forever.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I will share my progress. Thanks for bearing with me. And if you have any ideas or encouragement, then I am open to hearing them.

Thanks for reading,

Chelsey x