Write when the baby writes and other absolute nonsenses

Are you there, readers? It's me, Chelsey.

I made this at my weekly Art class. It's a woodcut for printing and I absolutely should have written backwards for it to work but who cares? Low/no expectations make me so happy.

People aren't joking when they say babies steal your time.

I would say raising a baby is a three person minimum job share, and for most of us, we are lucky to have another person helping.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...

My god. People who say this should be sent to prison or at least immediately be given a newborn baby to take care of.

Oh yes! Sleep when the baby sleeps! Also shower when the baby showers and wash the pots when the baby washes the pots and train when the baby trains and eat pad thai when the baby eats pad thai and walk the dog when the baby walks the dog! Etc.

And don't forget to write your novel when the baby writes their novel.

It's actually not that easy to sleep on demand, FWIW. Not for me, anyway. Baby hormones make me vigilant AF. And my brain doesn’t know how to stop, unless it’s not supposed to stop. Then it’s brilliant at stopping.

But I'm not here to complain. (For once?) I'm here to tell you something wonderful.

Reader, I find myself happy. Contented. Experiencing joy often. Chipper. Smiling. Cheery. Not filled with rage.

I feel a bit nervous to say it. But also I want to acknowledge it. Because longtime readers will know it's not been easy to get here.

So yes, I haven't had much time to write. (Did I mention that I'm back at my Actual Job?)

But ALSO, I have been happy.

I am having so much fun being a parent. I didn't expect it to be such A Joy.

All my life, I have struggled with things that are supposed to be easy, as I've written about so much here. So it is really wonderful to find myself in the midst of something challenging and finding an unfamiliar feeling of ease.

And I'm sorry if this is unspeakably smug. Genuinely, I apologise. But I also must share it. Because for so many years, ages 13-33? it really wasn’t the case.

Was it the French novelist Henry de Montherlant who coined the phrase, ‘Happiness writes white’? The idea being that when we are happy we don't know how to, or have no need to, express it.

This seems a shame. (Or does it? Maybe it's brilliant to be too happy to write.) But perhaps, for me, it’s untrue. I mean I haven't been writing, but that's because I've been seriously sleep-deprived, and, until a few weeks ago, the baby was constantly hanging off me. Not because I'm so happy.

But most of my writing in recent years has been about how to solve big problems (drinking too much, executive functioning issues caused by autism/ADHD) so what will I write about?

I'm not sure but I miss writing to you. So I'm here, trying my best to write white. Probably being Absolutely Intolerable. Just a girl, standing in front of the Internet, asking it to love her.

Writing is how I make sense of being alive. It's more than a habit, closer to compulsion. Something essential.

And yet only last month I had an anxiety dream that someone powerful in publishing took away my VIP pass in front of everyone.

“Who let C J Flood in here?” they said, and I had to slink out of the room which was - naturally - the House of Commons.

But despite my subconscious’s (and conscious, to be honest) constant attempts to fuck with me I’m still here, writing. Because it's a part of What Makes Me Happy.

Like Not Drinking and the self-compassion and Extra Rest that came with my diagnoses, (not to mention earning enough to pay my bills, and having a supportive family and friends, being able-bodied, etc {I'm recognising my many privileges as I write this list}).

So if you are still here, thank you!

I will keep writing because my ink has finally turned white.

Given the nature of life, it won't be long before it runs blue again. (Oops, there is that Doom part again.)

Seriously, sweet reader, I mean it. Just because you can't do lots of things, like be on time or leave the house with all of the right items, or stop accidentally getting drunk every weekend, and just because you struggle, and admit you struggle, it doesn't mean that you can't work to understand why and find ways that fit better and accept your limitations, and one day, find yourself probably annoyingly happy. Giving an unsolicited acceptance speech online for nothing and possibly no one.

You who thought you were doomed once!

Keep trying! And if you are too tired to try, rest until you feel strong again. Carve out time for your people and your community and the things that bring you joy. Remember that nobody else can tailor your life to you as well as you.

Take your health seriously and ASK FOR HELP if you need to. And for those still on the merry-go-round, remember that if you think your drinking is a problem, then it’s a problem. You don’t need anyone’s permission to start building yourself a better life.

I'm out of the loop. And I don't know what I'm writing about anymore, but I want to keep writing because it has helped me more than I can express. If you want to keep reading, let me know.

Anyway, enough about me, HOW ARE YOU? What has changed since we last communed via the dark and precious magic of the internet?

Is drinking/not drinking still a live issue? How is the self-acceptance going? Have you learned anything about how to live better that you might share with me and the rest of we who spend time here?

Tell me Everything or just Anything (aiming low is the route to happiness FYI).

I've missed you.

Chelsey x