Do you have a waiting tune?

On realising I've been singing the Game of Thrones theme tune for 6+ years

I just realised I’ve been Singing the Game of Thrones theme tune for over six years. Not constantly. But often. Like, multiple times a day. It's my waiting song! Or maybe my coaching song. I’m not sure.

When I was getting sober, one of the few times I cried (still a tough guy for the first few years) was because I suddenly understood I could no longer drink white wine alone while watching Game of Thrones. It was raining, and I stood in a doorway by Tescos, and wept for a few seconds.

So maybe the theme tune is comforting to me?

My pal (who just realized she's probably autistic - JOIN THE REVOLUTION SISTER) pointed out that it's a very grand-sounding song.

I usually sing it when I'm doing chores, so this makes sense. Chores are my kryptonite.

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So I need all the encouragement I can get.

Sometimes I only know I'm humming it because my boyfriend starts humming it, too.

I'm like:

OHMYGOD!

Why are you singing Game of Thrones?!!!

I'm singing Game of Thrones! In my head! Right now!!!

And then I’m like:

Oh.

Hang on.

And he’s like:

Yep.

So, please dear readers. Tell me. Do you relate? Do you have a waiting song? And if so, when, pray tell, do you find yourself singing it?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Humming was one of the major tells that led to me seeking out a diagnosis. It is my version of the famous autistic stimming.

I do it almost constantly when not in public. Or rather, when not in public and IN A ROLE. Aka masking.

Crossing the road? Sure. Let’s hum, baby!

Getting a shop? 100 percent. We humming.

Walking the corridors at UWE. * tumbleweed *

Just a NORMAL senior lecturer, walking silently, like a POWERLADYBOSS.

BUT.

Not-humming is stressful. It is very likely a part of why doing my job physically hurts me. But I need a salary, really, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What can I do? (Serious question. Please help.)

I guess I could hum the Game of Thrones theme tune in the corridors.

But would they make a meme out of me? Something worse?

I hope they wouldn’t make me do the walk of shame that Cirsei had to do.

If they did, I would certainly hum the Game of Thrones theme tune. (I wonder if Lena Headey was humming it in her head during filming?)

I digress. My point is that not-humming is pretty much impossible, if I’m not IN A ROLE. Aka masking. And masking, for a sustained period, physically hurts.

Humming helps my anxiety. It grounds me. It feels normal. I don’t choose to do it.

So if someone you know and love hums, and it does your head in. Try to give them a break.

I was shamed for humming as a kid, and it didn’t stop me humming. It just made me feel bad.

I internalised the fact that I am very annoying. And I went on to accept unacceptable behaviour in my intimate relationships because I thought I was lucky to have found someone who could tolerate me.

The last few years have been about coming to terms with how wrong I was, and how INCREDIBLE I am.

I mean, just WOW.

Really, I’m a total babe.

Not in the way society recognises.

More like in the way Clark Kent is a superhero.

So hum away, sweet babies. I’M WITH YOU. AND I LOVE YOU. Maybe that’s weird, but I can’t help it.

The people who truly love you will accept you.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, sometimes my partner politely asks me to please stop with the humming/babbling/weird noise party, and I try my best to do it because he’s wonderful and I really love him.

But usually, I’ll start up again in a matter of minutes BECAUSE I DON’T REALISE I’M DOING IT. It’s not a decision. It’s… I don’t know what it is.

It’s me.

I told, you. I’m amazing.

A good trick I’ve discovered is to put music on. Then Chelbo FM generally stops. I’m not humming now. Because I’m in flow.

Anyhow, that’s all from me. I’m off to hum the Game of Thrones theme tune on a loop for five hours.

So please, tell me about your ‘weird’ness. I LOVE to hear it. <3

Peace!