What Do You Enjoy that Is Entirely Unconnected to Pressure or Expectation?

Solutions for burnout

It was difficult to wake up this morning. Resistance to The Day was high. Many autistic people have sleep issues, and I am one of them. Interrupted sleep and insomnia make it hard to get up in the mornings. Everybody feels better after a good sleep.

But this morning, I felt ill with exhaustion. Heavy and resistant to consciousness. Or maybe resistant to heavy consciousness.

In the past, I would have thought I was getting ill, but these days I recognise these symptoms as something else.

Autistic burnout. A feeling of exhaustion that follows a period of busyness or extended masking. When you push yourself past the limit of what you are capable of. Most often, for autistic people, as a means of hiding your limitations, in order to stay employed/loved/safe.

It was my turn to walk the dog, and I cursed my partner, though he covers walkies the vast majority of days, and is generally a beautiful babe to me. Immediately, I lowered my expectations for myself and the day. Scrapped everything on my to-do list besides Walk the dog.

Next, I dragged myself to the nearby pond where doggy can swim while I stand or sit. I felt like a zombie, but it occurred to me that talking might help. And so I left a monotone voice note about how The Struggle Is Real for a dear friend who gets it.

In these messages, I practiced the things I have learned over the years about Feeling Better. I acknowledged how I was feeling, and committed to Taking It Easy, while I get back to some kind of baseline. And while I was talking I saw a bird emerge from the water with a silver fish in its mouth. Doggy burst out of the water, carrying multiple sticks. The water sparkled in the early sun.

I felt the tiniest spark of hope returning.

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Reflecting on why I felt so burntout helped me realise I've stopped doing the things that support me. Like checking in with myself about how I feel and what I want/need. Considering what works for me, and saying no to things when necessary.

I've resorted to going along with what is expected or what other people seem to want/like/enjoy.

In fact, horror of horrors. I've accidentally returned to my age-old coping strategy, this newsletter’s namesake: polite robot. My ultimate masking persona.

The good news is I that by now I know what to do when I backtread like this. I must put my needs first, even if it costs me.

Because I want and need and deserve a life that is sustainable. For me. And you do, too!

When burnout comes, use it as a learning experience. What have you been pushing yourself to do?

For me, it’s easy to trace the causality. A new term at uni means I have to switch my attention from writing (which nourishes me) to teaching (which uses A LOT of spoons) and admin (the ultimate brain-fryer).

image by Ally Clary

And in spite of feeling exhausted after teaching and some training I’m currently doing alongside it, I then did step-work with my sponsee, went to an AA meeting, and afterwards, out for our group Xmas dinner.

There were 17 of us, and I like these people very much, but oh my gosh, with no spoons left, it was stressful.

First you have to work out where to sit, and appear not to mind who you end up next to, though of course it matters very much. Then you have to make polite conversation with people you don’t know, in order to be kind, which is obviously important, but also exhausting.

Then the waiting staff start shouting out dish names because people aren't paying attention or don’t remember what they ordered.

By this point, I’m like a hypervigilant meerkat, repeating dish names, and peering around for the owner with a terrified expression.

“CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA!!?”

And then your dear pal’s boiled rice doesn't show up and they sit there, looking around anxiously while their curry gets cold, but you can’t help because you are so worried about what’s happened to your naan bread.

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Dear Friend got back to me quickly after I left her the doomy voice notes, and she had exactly the kind of wisdom I needed. She’s training to be a counselor and I think we both know I have been an excellent trainee client.

She reminded me this will pass, and that soon I will feel capable and happy again. And she gently pointed out that this part of the cycle will inevitably return again, too, so how I manage it is important.

“What do you enjoy that is entirely unconnected to pressure or expectation?” she asked.

She told me she was currently dealing with her own burnout by sitting in the dark, doing the things she loves, without even attempting any of the stuff that is good for her. What a boss.

And so, I extend this question to you, and I’d love to hear your answers.

What do you enjoy that is entirely unconnected to pressure or expectation?

For me, one thing I enjoy that is entirely unconnected to pressure or expectation is hanging out with my cats. I try to learn from them and just luxuriate in resting and being together, and maybe having a little snooze.

I came home, made a hot water bottle, ate some leftover curry, and now I'm writing this, with my first-born cat, under my favourite blanket on the sofa from whence I may never arise.

I did some internesting and found a useful article that I intend to work through after I've rested and feel better. Dr. Alice Nicholls sharing ideas about how to get out of autistic burnout.

Turns out Dr. Alice created a course too, the autistic burnout recovery program. It's £500 and I imagine it's well worth it, but I’m way too overwhelmed to sign up for a course rn. Funny, that.

And it's worth remembering that yesterday I felt SO capable and inspired that I downloaded To-doist and made various projects and lists. I daydreamed about the podcast I'm planning to accompany the release of my upcoming book, Beautiful Hangover.

And only last week I wrote about how okay I am feeling these days. I felt so okay, I was concerned I didn’t have anything to write about anymore!

What comes after self-improvement?

All of this shows us that living well as an autistic person in a non-autistic world is an ongoing learning journey. There will be steps backward, and stagnation as well as great big lovely leaps forward.

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So, please share your tips for recovering from autistic burnout. We need all the help we can get out here. Let’s help each other.

Also, I’m curious - do you think it is possible to create a life where autistic burnout doesn't feature or is that a pipe dream? Is it really more a case of managing it when it comes?

Thanks for reading. I go now to find the cats.

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If you’re struggling with alcohol, then read about how I got free at Beautiful Hangover.

If you want more on neurodiversity, then read Polite Robot.

And if you enjoy my writing and want to support my efforts then please share with your pals who might appreciate it!

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Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a literary memoir about getting sober and then finding out she’s autistic and a new YA novel.