How to not be an arsehole
When beach holidays make you extra aware of all your sensory issues.
Hello everyone!
I write this letter from sunny Spain where mi madre lives. It's very beautiful and I feel incredibly autistic rn. There are just so many sensory issues and I am *so tired*.
How do you manage to not be an arsehole when you're on a sensory rollercoaster?
I can usually manage it but today there have been some failures. Let me explain…
1. I can't sleep
This is a constant battle. And it gets worse in a hot climate. My difficulty monitoring my body temperature means air con on, air con off, air con on, air con off and somehow I never quite arrive at a manageable temperature.
Not sleeping makes me grumpy. It also makes me feel bad about myself. Like, I cannot do this basic thing. Wtf is wrong with me?
Well, at least now I have an answer. I'm autistic, babes. Sleep issues are commonplace for us sweet babies. This knowledge doesn't help much except for preventing me from blaming myself quite the same way I used to. And I now treat the situation more seriously.
Aka Destroy ALL Light.
Ban partner from talking to me if he comes to bed after me. (W-i-p this one. His spirit is strong.)
Make sure wearing the thinnest of the thin t-shirts.
Reading only before bed, no screen (fail at this a lot cos phone addiction is real.)
No caffeine after 11am.
Take melatonin.
Lavender on pillow.
Get some exercise in the day.
After all this effort I still often can't sleep. I wake up 10+ times. I have insane and often disturbing dreams. I fidget a lot.
A good night's sleep in my life means I can keep falling asleep easily-ish. Even if I keep waking up.
Wh-h-hy?
2. Sunlight hurts my eyes
Catchphrases that make me a wonderful and fun travel companion.
“It's too bright!”
“I'm hoooot.” 😭
“My hair is bothering me.”
“I need to shave my head.”
Etc, etc.
Sunglasses, a natural solution to vampire tendencies, bother me because they slide down my nose and I have to constantly adjust them. At the same time my hair keeps sticking to the sun screen on my skin.
I CANT BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE!
Walking to the beach I feel like I am on an obstacle course in a torture chamber. All around me, are just items, designed to bother me.
Like a toddler just prodding and prodding and prodding and prodding.
AAAARGGHH.
3. Gender dysmorphia flares
On beach holidays my tits really get on my tits. Even more than usual. Also my stupid long hair gets on my tits. And feeling obliged to code myself as female due to female shape gets on my tits. (Note to self: must unpack this at some point.)
Meanwhile my boyfriend strolls ahead in a t-shirt and shorts seeming to enjoy the beautiful weather.
Conclusion: Sensory issues don't mean you are allowed to be an arsehole
After a particularly catchphrase full 20 minute walk in the sun, my boyfriend has had enough.
“Remember I'm hot, too,” he says. “And I'm carrying this bag that's so heavy it feels like it could rip my arm off. And if you don't stop being an arsehole I'm going to make you carry it.”
Pa ha ha!
I chunter a little about my hair and about him being part-lizard and loving the sun but I work to try n keep some of my complaining to myself.
Back at our apartment I realize I need some time alone.
Because having sensory issues isn't a permission slip to be an arsehole.
Although everyone, autistic or not, is allowed sometimes to be an arsehole.
Which is a relief, cos today I definitely nailed it.
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Chelsey Flood is the author of Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a lecturer in creative writing. She writes about freedom, addiction, nature and love at Beautiful Hangover, and is also working on a non-fiction book about getting sober, and a new YA novel when she's not being an arsehole
I find meditation helps a lot with the sleeping issues, but it does mean that if I forget to do it then I don't sleep well!
I can relate to being an arsehole on similar holidays, I hate the heat when you can't seem to get away from it. I hope you have some quiet time and not so arseholey days to come whilst you're away!
I have my in-laws visiting right now and they arrived the day my sister and her kids went home after their stay with us. They are all really lovely people who I like but I have felt like a constant arsehole. Then sometimes I'm not sure how much of my arseholery seeps through (urgh!) my veneer. Has my smile become a grimace? 😫