Yey to being that kind friend! And we can be them to ourselves too. I'm still learning this.
I've been so lucky to have made some incredibly caring and not addicted friends in later years... Once moving into The Best house share ever and also, years ago, on my MA.
I was still in the 'alcohol is water' years on my MA so sadly couldn't connect as fully as I can now, but luckily the wonderful ones stuck with me and I'm trying to be a better friend these days...
Thanks for your thoughtful response, I hope you're really well! 💗
"I'm a writer" was the slippery slope for spending more time than I should have spent outside of myself. That line "Let's go and see everyone" Was a well-grooved slope back into the old habits. I noticed how much of my tribe, my crew, my people were a ritual of disappearing. Taking a step back, going dry for a while and coming back to those spaces was a step into the underworld. Took a while to balance being in those places and not feeling like I had to jump back into the mix. I have no diagnosis, but I recognise a lot of attention deficit tendencies, and how seductive the disappearing was, took a lot of time to step back and see what lights up that neuro light pad and recognise what I was trading off. Thank you so much for sharing that story, for opening up that conversation.
It's an interesting path, isn't it? Tempting maybe... The tortured artist who struggles with the more conventional parts of life and societal living. It was funny going into AA with that unconscious mindset as they call it 'terminal uniqueness' and a kind of delusion of being 'special and different' which is helpful if you need humbling but not so much if you need building up. And most prob need the latter!
Thanks for joining the conversation, it's so interesting to hear your take on it. I think lots of us writer/artist types have some of the Nd traits even if no diagnosis. And I suppose some might have the traits without the exec functioning deficits which must be glorious!
I spent about 3 years walking up to the bar with a running mantra in my head saying - "A pint of coke, please. A pint of coke, please, A pint of coke, please.", only to blurt out, "A pint of Stella, cheers 🍻", once I reached it.
It was like it was hardwired into my brain at that point. It would have been funny, apart from the fact anything fun or amusing about the situation had disappeared years before and I'd let myself down again.
Persistence worked eventually, though, and it did for you, as well.
I didn't catch this piece when you first published it and had, kind of, forgotten those similar struggles. Thanks for posting.
This imparticular made me laugh. I don't know if it was your intention to be funny with this, as it is a serious subject, but I do remember being exactly this fallible for a long period, so I giggled.
"We can’t even stick to the rules while we’re making them, but we don’t notice that in the moment."
I am always happy to be funny and often trying (when not being sickeningly earnest) so v happy to have made you laugh. But yeah it's bleak when you are trapped in that cycle...
I loved reading this. Such engaging writing, wonderful pacing… you made your experience vivid for me. I haven’t struggled with alcohol but my partner has. He’s five years sober and was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago too.
A-ha! Another one! I went to an AA meeting on Tues and of 15 people there 5 disclosed ADHD and more described the symptoms impacting their life (tho didn't account it to ADHD) there are so many of us!
This is extremely relatable, Chelsey. I tried so many times and I always failed until June 2023. And I think that success lies in not being around my friends as much because this:
"In my circles, alcohol is like water. Life isn’t possible without it, and if that’s wrong, we don’t want to be right."
is them. Then, now and possibly forever.
I actually wish I had a friend who'd utter "You don't still stay up all night drinking, do you?" Maybe I'm that friend now...
Also Becky, how do you stay sober now? What was different in June 2023? I think I've read your story but have forgotten how you actually managed to quit!
Honestly? I think I stay sober now because I don't have many people around me, pressuring me to go out a lot. I have been able to really embrace who I truly am because my life has gotten a little smaller and quieter than in was in my twenties. Which I love!
What was different in 2023 was I just so tired of it all! I had two really bad experience whilst drunk - one in May 2022 where, I now understand, I had a full on autistic meltdown and one just before June 2023 where I really drunk guy started being really aggressive with me and my parter whilst we were in a pub. It was terrifying and I just thought "What am I doing?! I'm in my mid thirties. I don't want this anymore!"
I had just started Substack and I wrote about how I was just going to cutback on alcohol. Then, Dana Leigh Lyon's wrote an article about how you don't need to hit rock bottom to make a change and that was like a lighting bolt hitting me. I realised that was what I was doing. I thought I had to be at rock bottom, that alcohol had to have led me to hospital or something like that because I thought that was the only way I could make this change. This change that only affected me! It made me see how much value I placed on other people, their opinions and their validation.
And so on Weds June 1st 2023, 8.44am I started using the Sober app and I've never really looked back.
I still worry about being around other people when they are drinking. One of my friends really changes personalities when they are drunk and, like I said in my first comment, they all love drinking alcohol. I don't want to have to deal with shitty drunk comments that I have to pretend don't bother me because "She was just drunk." I might be overthinking and even being unkind but I am just not in a point where I want to risk it. It would damage our relationship forever.
Anyhow, that's probably a lot more than you wanted! I shall stop rambling! 😂
Becky, I LOVE a long and personal answer. This is my default setting. I don't know Dana Leigh Lyon, will have to look them up. That's kinda how it was for me too I was just like ENOUGH finally, so sick of the drunken nonsense and risk taking and DRAMA. It was a revelation to me too that I was allowed to quit just because it didn't feel good to me. That I didn't need to be that bad.
Thank you for writing this- it is very very similar to my story. I’m currently 4 years sober and SO happy I broke the cognitive dissonance cycle of trying to quit and then disappointing myself.
Hi Molly, you're welcome. Thanks for letting me know it resonated. Ta exhausting losing the same battle every day isn't it? I still have daily battles, tbh, but winning the one against alcohol is still a giant victory!
Congratulations on your 4 years. Have you found out anything about your identity since you quit? I have a theory that sobriety always reveals something pretty big... 😅
Yey to being that kind friend! And we can be them to ourselves too. I'm still learning this.
I've been so lucky to have made some incredibly caring and not addicted friends in later years... Once moving into The Best house share ever and also, years ago, on my MA.
I was still in the 'alcohol is water' years on my MA so sadly couldn't connect as fully as I can now, but luckily the wonderful ones stuck with me and I'm trying to be a better friend these days...
Thanks for your thoughtful response, I hope you're really well! 💗
"I'm a writer" was the slippery slope for spending more time than I should have spent outside of myself. That line "Let's go and see everyone" Was a well-grooved slope back into the old habits. I noticed how much of my tribe, my crew, my people were a ritual of disappearing. Taking a step back, going dry for a while and coming back to those spaces was a step into the underworld. Took a while to balance being in those places and not feeling like I had to jump back into the mix. I have no diagnosis, but I recognise a lot of attention deficit tendencies, and how seductive the disappearing was, took a lot of time to step back and see what lights up that neuro light pad and recognise what I was trading off. Thank you so much for sharing that story, for opening up that conversation.
It's an interesting path, isn't it? Tempting maybe... The tortured artist who struggles with the more conventional parts of life and societal living. It was funny going into AA with that unconscious mindset as they call it 'terminal uniqueness' and a kind of delusion of being 'special and different' which is helpful if you need humbling but not so much if you need building up. And most prob need the latter!
Thanks for joining the conversation, it's so interesting to hear your take on it. I think lots of us writer/artist types have some of the Nd traits even if no diagnosis. And I suppose some might have the traits without the exec functioning deficits which must be glorious!
Hope you're well and thanks for reading ❤️
I spent about 3 years walking up to the bar with a running mantra in my head saying - "A pint of coke, please. A pint of coke, please, A pint of coke, please.", only to blurt out, "A pint of Stella, cheers 🍻", once I reached it.
It was like it was hardwired into my brain at that point. It would have been funny, apart from the fact anything fun or amusing about the situation had disappeared years before and I'd let myself down again.
Persistence worked eventually, though, and it did for you, as well.
I didn't catch this piece when you first published it and had, kind of, forgotten those similar struggles. Thanks for posting.
This imparticular made me laugh. I don't know if it was your intention to be funny with this, as it is a serious subject, but I do remember being exactly this fallible for a long period, so I giggled.
"We can’t even stick to the rules while we’re making them, but we don’t notice that in the moment."
I am always happy to be funny and often trying (when not being sickeningly earnest) so v happy to have made you laugh. But yeah it's bleak when you are trapped in that cycle...
I loved reading this. Such engaging writing, wonderful pacing… you made your experience vivid for me. I haven’t struggled with alcohol but my partner has. He’s five years sober and was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago too.
A-ha! Another one! I went to an AA meeting on Tues and of 15 people there 5 disclosed ADHD and more described the symptoms impacting their life (tho didn't account it to ADHD) there are so many of us!
This is extremely relatable, Chelsey. I tried so many times and I always failed until June 2023. And I think that success lies in not being around my friends as much because this:
"In my circles, alcohol is like water. Life isn’t possible without it, and if that’s wrong, we don’t want to be right."
is them. Then, now and possibly forever.
I actually wish I had a friend who'd utter "You don't still stay up all night drinking, do you?" Maybe I'm that friend now...
🖤
Also Becky, how do you stay sober now? What was different in June 2023? I think I've read your story but have forgotten how you actually managed to quit!
Honestly? I think I stay sober now because I don't have many people around me, pressuring me to go out a lot. I have been able to really embrace who I truly am because my life has gotten a little smaller and quieter than in was in my twenties. Which I love!
What was different in 2023 was I just so tired of it all! I had two really bad experience whilst drunk - one in May 2022 where, I now understand, I had a full on autistic meltdown and one just before June 2023 where I really drunk guy started being really aggressive with me and my parter whilst we were in a pub. It was terrifying and I just thought "What am I doing?! I'm in my mid thirties. I don't want this anymore!"
I had just started Substack and I wrote about how I was just going to cutback on alcohol. Then, Dana Leigh Lyon's wrote an article about how you don't need to hit rock bottom to make a change and that was like a lighting bolt hitting me. I realised that was what I was doing. I thought I had to be at rock bottom, that alcohol had to have led me to hospital or something like that because I thought that was the only way I could make this change. This change that only affected me! It made me see how much value I placed on other people, their opinions and their validation.
And so on Weds June 1st 2023, 8.44am I started using the Sober app and I've never really looked back.
I still worry about being around other people when they are drinking. One of my friends really changes personalities when they are drunk and, like I said in my first comment, they all love drinking alcohol. I don't want to have to deal with shitty drunk comments that I have to pretend don't bother me because "She was just drunk." I might be overthinking and even being unkind but I am just not in a point where I want to risk it. It would damage our relationship forever.
Anyhow, that's probably a lot more than you wanted! I shall stop rambling! 😂
🖤
Becky, I LOVE a long and personal answer. This is my default setting. I don't know Dana Leigh Lyon, will have to look them up. That's kinda how it was for me too I was just like ENOUGH finally, so sick of the drunken nonsense and risk taking and DRAMA. It was a revelation to me too that I was allowed to quit just because it didn't feel good to me. That I didn't need to be that bad.
Lucky us for working it out 😁
Thank you for writing this- it is very very similar to my story. I’m currently 4 years sober and SO happy I broke the cognitive dissonance cycle of trying to quit and then disappointing myself.
Hi Molly, you're welcome. Thanks for letting me know it resonated. Ta exhausting losing the same battle every day isn't it? I still have daily battles, tbh, but winning the one against alcohol is still a giant victory!
Congratulations on your 4 years. Have you found out anything about your identity since you quit? I have a theory that sobriety always reveals something pretty big... 😅