Join Me in My Selfhood Experiment!
Commit to one true NO and one true YES and see who you become.
Every Tuesday, I will share with you my weeks YES and NO.
Soon after being diagnosed I made a pledge to practice ‘unmasking’ by following these simple guidelines, provided by an Autistic lifecoach: every week I must say one true yes and one true no. These must be purely for me, to make my life easier or more pleasant or more comfortable.
Aka NOT people-pleasing.
NOT changing myself to accommodate others or make myself more palatable.
The hope/wisdom here is that doing this for long enough would help a person find a more authentic version of themselves. This challenge could be worthwhile for many people, but is especially appealing to late-diagnosed people who might just be discovering the gigantic prevalence of their own masking.
What might your YES be this week? It could be making plans that feel good. Trying something new. Or having a long bath with a book and a variety of snacks. Whatever feels good, and is just for you. Or just taking up an invitation.
And how about your NO? These are harder for me, so please share your wins for inspiration.
The most engaged readers will get the gift of TRANSFORMATION and also I will send you a comic strip of your best (in my opinion) YES and NO.
Yes to Jane Austen’s birthday at Chatsworth House
If I hadn’t been so busy trying to fit in for my teendom, I might have been a cosplayer. Specifically, an Edwardian cosplayer. The books of Jane Austen make my heart sing, and somehow, it seems, my soul is from this historical period.
So I invited my best friend from school to attend this Jane Austen celebration with me, and it’s in the calendar.
🎉 🎉 🎉 🥳 🥳 🥳 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻
No to my critical and catastrophic thinking
The NOs are a trickier animal. Especially when it is in your nature already to resist everything, even the things you like.
One of the main reasons I got diagnosed was because of my challenges interpreting my own feelings and desires. Masking to fit in, does not help with these difficulties, hence me doing this sweet and dorky challenge.
So this NO might seem like cheating. And I PROMISE that future NOs will impact other people. But honestly the things I’ve had to tell to eff off this week, have been invisible and within my own psyche.
Always feeling like I took the wrong decision.
I had a revelation with this one this week. If I compulsively feel I’ve made the wrong choice most of the time (hence chronic indecision nearly always) then could that be reinterpreted as always making the right choice.
Or, as I’ve been told many times, and have even believed occasionally, there are not exactly right choices, we can just make the best of whatever we decide.
So, take that, my psyche!
Anxiously imagining negative thoughts in other people’s minds and then reacting as if they are real
This one needs no explanation, and just goes to show how neurotic I am.
Do I feel more like myself as a result of this yes and this no?
Probably not! But it’s only week 1. Give me a minute!
But I feel a little more in control of my life, and I haven't invited any dread into my future life, and that seems positive.
Notes on ideas of the self and masking
As I read more about masking, I learn that everyone does this. BUT for Autistic people, it is possible that it is more difficult. And for me, I know that it came at the detriment of pursuing my own interests (Edwardian costume parties) etc.
There is no frozen, unchangeable self. We are a layering up of all the people we’ve been. But historically, I have struggled with integrating these versions. I’ve preferred to raze one to the ground and start over.
Currently The Work is trying not to do this. To take ownership of them all.
Because I don’t really know what a self is, but I do know when I am acting in a way that makes my guts roil. And I do know when I am choosing things that FEEL WONDERFUL. So, here’s to more of that, for me, and for all of you.
Brain, if you're listening (And you always are, god bless you.) I love you, but you’ve got to stop criticising my choices. Okay?
Right, join me! Tell me your one true YES/NO. I love yo!
If you enjoy these letters, please share this with a friend.
You can connect with the Autistic community on Twitter. If you have a question, use #ActuallyAutistic or #AskingAutistics (or both). You can also visit The Autism Self Advocacy Network and the Autistic Not Weird Facebook page and website.
📚 Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a book for Jessica Kingsley Publishers about the connection between undiagnosed neurodiversity and addiction, as well as her first domestic noir. 📚
This is interesting and I relate with writing. I still can't tell if swearing feels natural to me or whether it's a bit forced!
Maybe it's not masks, just versions of yourself, like you say. And maybe the problem is that our sensitivity and tendency towards analysis makes something feel uncomfrtabke that is quite 'normal'?
Another mystery 😅
"But historically, I have struggled with integrating these versions. I’ve preferred to raze one to the ground and start over."
I have this problem across so many aspects of my life. I don't raze the different versions, but I rotate among them as needed and have no idea how I could possibly integrate them into a single self.
This is even true to a lesser extent in my writing styles! I have different writing styles depending on what role I'm inhabiting.
The thing is, I feel like all of these versions have a basis in authenticity. They emphasize or exaggerate aspects of me, but they're rooted in a kernel of truth. So, I don't want to just shed the masks. I'm not sure what to do (if anything) about it.