Join Me in Week 3 of The Selfhood Experiment!

Who will we become if we commit to (at least) one true NO and one true YES each week?

Every week, I share with you my week’s YES and NO, and invite you to do the same.

The one true yes, one true no challenge began as a method of ‘unmasking’ inspired by simple guidelines, provided by an Autistic life coach: every week you say one true yes and one true no.

These must be purely for you, to make your life easier, more pleasant, joyful or comfortable.

Aka NOT people-pleasing. Not masking.

NOT changing yourself to accommodate others or make yourself more palatable/normal-seeming/cool/chill.

Doing this for long enough builds a more authentic version of ourselves. A worthy challenge for women, mothers, and perhaps especially late-diagnosed or late-closeted people who are just discovering their true identities after a lifetime of hiding/social exclusion.

So what was your YES this week? Did you make plans that felt GOOD? Reread something old?

And how about your NO? Please tell me you inconvenienced someone (gold standard for the people pleasers)?

Share your victories for inspiration.

The most engaged readers get the gift of TRANSFORMATION and also I will send you a comic strip of your best (in my opinion) YES and NO. <3

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Okay, so here are mine:

YES to the theatre (even tho I messed up my own dream plan with friends)

First, I effed up. Double-booked a camping weekend with my family after having booked theatre tickets with 4 of my dearest friends. In the past I might have drowned in a shame spiral, and this time I dipped more than my toes in, too. But not for long.

I paused. Considered what I actually wanted (was doing both… possible?) On reluctantly realising it wasn't, I thought about who would be most badly impacted with either fix.

As usual, the mother part won out and I very apologetically cancelled the friends theatre trip. I'd been nervous of leaving Baba late anyway, as he still relies on me at bedtime, and irl I just couldn't handle the idea of a night out at this time.

So I owned up to my mistake and apologised. Asked if we could please try again. My friends were very lovely - they always are - and I am going to book another show for us asap.

But the show itself was important to me too, for reasons I'll explain later, and I'd suggested we go near the end of the run so this would be almost my last chance to see it. Thinking of the yes/no challenge I committed to going to the Thursday matinee, alone, instead.

It was difficult to wangle this, as I had to squeeze in a lot of work on either side of it, and logistics is so effing hard for me. But I am so glad I inconvenienced/challenged myself in this way!

This yes turned out to be the most golden yet.

The play was The House Party by Laura Lomas at the Bristol Old Vic - a retelling of Miss Julie - set in a town house with sticky floors and strobe lights, Beyonce and Amelia Banks pounding through the theatre. It was rowdy and brilliant and devastating.

It brought up complex feelings for me, not just because of the subject matter (power, class, youth, desire), but because Laura is the little sister of someone I was close to in my own hedonistic and bewildering adolescence - someone I’ve since lost touch with, who was so important and inspiring to me at that sad and confusing, exhilarating time.

Watching the play alone, with the knowledge of how hard won it was to be there, felt transcendent. I was so proud of Laura. So moved by what she’d made. And so struck by the ache of no longer being in each other’s lives. This is what the play is about - the bonds formed in youth, how formative they are, and how they don’t always survive the shifts of adulthood.

I left the theatre alive with something I haven’t felt often enough: the joy and thrill of power and autonomy.

Saying yes to this, in spite of my mistake and the time pressures, and my frustrating challenges with ‘physical world’ had been exactly right.

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Author masterpiece

NO to death of ego and other ideas that don't serve me

I will always love AA and be grateful for it helping me to sort out my drinking issues but I am entering the realm of needing to listen to resentments and rebuild my ego.

Ego death is only appropriate for men.

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I wrote this late and fast cos I'm ill and toddler P is demanding AF and (as usual) I can't keep up with my own life. So forgive the imperfections and spelling mishaps and tell me about your wins/losses.

Love,

Chelsey

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Join me!

Ted self-portrait

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Regular readers will know one of the main reasons I struggled so long/finally got diagnosed was because of my challenges interpreting my own feelings and desires. Masking to fit in, does not help with these difficulties, hence this sweet and dorky challenge. Join me!

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Do I feel more like myself as a result of this yes and this no?

Week 3, and I am feeling unstoppable. Huzzah and also hurrah!

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So what was your TRUE YES and TRUE NO? What will your next ones be?

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And if you enjoy these letters, but can’t afford to upgrade to paid, please share this with a friend. : )

You can connect with the Autistic community on Twitter. If you have a question, use #ActuallyAutistic or #AskingAutistics (or both). You can also visit The Autism Self Advocacy Network and the Autistic Not Weird Facebook page and website.

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📚 Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a book for Jessica Kingsley Publishers about the connection between undiagnosed neurodiversity and addiction, as well as her first domestic noir. 📚