I got sober a month after beginning the 2 year long process to my autism assessment but the realisations it brought up were shocking. I didn’t find stopping drinking alcohol hard, what filled me with fear was telling other people. That was the first moment of realisation that I used alcohol to be a version of me that I thought was better, more likeable. And that what I was truly addicted to was external validation.
Thank you for sharing such an honest letter, Chelsey. 🖤
Did you feel like you needed permission to quit, too? I remember I really wanted my partner of the time (massively heavy drinker) and my dad's (same) approval for getting sober and it was a bit slow to arrive. I let go of the partner as realised it was likely never coming! My dad eventually told me he was proud of me for quitting. He was worried I would try to make him quit too. Which of course was my dream 😁
I’ve never really thought of it as permission but I guess I did because I felt like I needed a really good reason to quit. I needed to be in a really bad place. Then, Dana Leigh Lyons wrote an amazing article about how you don have to hit a rock bottom to implement change. It was perfect timing for me.
Wow that's so insightful. I've never heard it articulated white like that. I found it difficult to stop for similar reasons, though. I was nowhere near physical addiction. I don't think anyway...
And for ages I wanted to explain to people that I didn't not drink because I was teetotal but because I LOVED drinking TOO MUCH. I was still really attached to that part of my identity. It had gotten way too potent!
Same thing happened with writing once I got a book deal. I was like I'M A WRITER and that is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! And then when I didn't win The Prize or whatever I felt completely worthless. I suppose I was in a bit of a struggle for identity/self.
I hope you're doing okay after your assessment 💕 thanks for reading and commenting 🙂
Yes, I get that. I was very attached to being this fucked up, don’t give a shit cool girl persona. I don’t want people to see me as the boring sober person. But I am the boring sober person and I like it! It much better than the anxious, depressed mess who was constantly trying so hard but still getting it wrong. I’ve still never spoken it out loud to some of my friends because the conversation seems so hard. That shocked, loud “WHY?!” like you’ve told them you’ve taken up killing kittens. Also, I’m bad in groups and being the centre of attention and this conversation would put me dead centre.
Thank you but I’ve still got a couple of weeks to go till my assessment! I didn’t think I’d worded that very well. 🙈 But, I’m doing okay. The anxiety only flairs when I think about it. 😅
Yes, perhaps you're right. I remember I wore myself out/drank way too much on the first night and then had to just survive the next night until I could go home. My good friend just left the morning after night number one but I would never have had the wherewithal to do that... But I reckon that's when the picture was taken!
This is beautifully written, as is your forte I guess, but it's made more so by it being brave. You just want to hug the younger you, and tell her that everything is fine and that you're going on a journey that seems sadly all too common. I think this is why this memoir as a whole will have such a significant outreach for better or worse, because it's so darn relatable.
And it's researched, which is refreshing and adds gravitas. It's really heartening to hear that you've found the love of your life, gotten a lot more fulfillment by repairing relationships and so forth. Kitty also sounds like a great friend, and we all need that: someone who just sees us without judgement, who will listen and who will guide. Especially when so lost.
So thank you for sharing something instantly relatable and yet artfully created. It will give hope to a lot of people, whilst also showing your kindness in sharing and thus caring about these things in abundance.
Thanks Matt! I hope it helps people to share my experience as I think you're right, there are a lot of us that struggle in these ways. There's way too much pressure in society to pretend to be okay, or to live a certain way, so maybe we can break that down by telling the stories of when we really aren't... Of course it's much harder to do from in the thick of it! I started sharing some of the truth a couple of years after I got sober, I think, but I didn't fully understand what was even happening/had happened!
Anyhow, thanks for reading and commenting. Sending lots of love xx
You astound me daily with your honesty, raw humility and bravery. I´m so proud to be your Mum x
Thanks Mum, will you write a post for me soon? 😁 🙏
I got sober a month after beginning the 2 year long process to my autism assessment but the realisations it brought up were shocking. I didn’t find stopping drinking alcohol hard, what filled me with fear was telling other people. That was the first moment of realisation that I used alcohol to be a version of me that I thought was better, more likeable. And that what I was truly addicted to was external validation.
Thank you for sharing such an honest letter, Chelsey. 🖤
Did you feel like you needed permission to quit, too? I remember I really wanted my partner of the time (massively heavy drinker) and my dad's (same) approval for getting sober and it was a bit slow to arrive. I let go of the partner as realised it was likely never coming! My dad eventually told me he was proud of me for quitting. He was worried I would try to make him quit too. Which of course was my dream 😁
I’ve never really thought of it as permission but I guess I did because I felt like I needed a really good reason to quit. I needed to be in a really bad place. Then, Dana Leigh Lyons wrote an amazing article about how you don have to hit a rock bottom to implement change. It was perfect timing for me.
Wow that's so insightful. I've never heard it articulated white like that. I found it difficult to stop for similar reasons, though. I was nowhere near physical addiction. I don't think anyway...
And for ages I wanted to explain to people that I didn't not drink because I was teetotal but because I LOVED drinking TOO MUCH. I was still really attached to that part of my identity. It had gotten way too potent!
Same thing happened with writing once I got a book deal. I was like I'M A WRITER and that is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! And then when I didn't win The Prize or whatever I felt completely worthless. I suppose I was in a bit of a struggle for identity/self.
I hope you're doing okay after your assessment 💕 thanks for reading and commenting 🙂
Yes, I get that. I was very attached to being this fucked up, don’t give a shit cool girl persona. I don’t want people to see me as the boring sober person. But I am the boring sober person and I like it! It much better than the anxious, depressed mess who was constantly trying so hard but still getting it wrong. I’ve still never spoken it out loud to some of my friends because the conversation seems so hard. That shocked, loud “WHY?!” like you’ve told them you’ve taken up killing kittens. Also, I’m bad in groups and being the centre of attention and this conversation would put me dead centre.
Thank you but I’ve still got a couple of weeks to go till my assessment! I didn’t think I’d worded that very well. 🙈 But, I’m doing okay. The anxiety only flairs when I think about it. 😅
Actually Chel, in the first pic you look tired and your eyes are sad. You can tell you were dealing with a lot.
Very well written. BTW i got your first book amd although not in my wheelhouse, I liked it.
And thanks for kind words about my book!
Yes, perhaps you're right. I remember I wore myself out/drank way too much on the first night and then had to just survive the next night until I could go home. My good friend just left the morning after night number one but I would never have had the wherewithal to do that... But I reckon that's when the picture was taken!
This is beautifully written, as is your forte I guess, but it's made more so by it being brave. You just want to hug the younger you, and tell her that everything is fine and that you're going on a journey that seems sadly all too common. I think this is why this memoir as a whole will have such a significant outreach for better or worse, because it's so darn relatable.
And it's researched, which is refreshing and adds gravitas. It's really heartening to hear that you've found the love of your life, gotten a lot more fulfillment by repairing relationships and so forth. Kitty also sounds like a great friend, and we all need that: someone who just sees us without judgement, who will listen and who will guide. Especially when so lost.
So thank you for sharing something instantly relatable and yet artfully created. It will give hope to a lot of people, whilst also showing your kindness in sharing and thus caring about these things in abundance.
Keep being you. We all admire it!
Thanks Matt! I hope it helps people to share my experience as I think you're right, there are a lot of us that struggle in these ways. There's way too much pressure in society to pretend to be okay, or to live a certain way, so maybe we can break that down by telling the stories of when we really aren't... Of course it's much harder to do from in the thick of it! I started sharing some of the truth a couple of years after I got sober, I think, but I didn't fully understand what was even happening/had happened!
Anyhow, thanks for reading and commenting. Sending lots of love xx