Chelsey, this is so well articulated, and so spookily familiar, it makes me want to shout YES!! It is exactly my experience.
The one huge difference between us is that I am twice your age and went on struggling as you describe until nearly 18 months ago, when I stopped completely. What a blessed relief!
The moderation thing is such a depressing, endless, viscious circle - the worst of both worlds. It's hard to stop completely but ultimately so liberating - more than one can ever imagine.
Ah yes the allure and shinyness of the drink.. The unreal world that seemed so very real to me for a long time..
Anaesthetized somehow in all the gaps ' I can control it, look it's friday and I didn't drink for 5 days - or whatever..
Clawing for Friday like a person in the Sahara who sees the mirage ahead so parched their insides feel like sand paper..
I remember once when I was at uni saying to my lovely ' were all in our 30s gang - whose having a drink? It was lunchtime we were nursing students in the middle of lectures. I got blank stares and couldn't understand why their faces wore them I then proceeded to the bar ordered a half and felt v smug in my headonistic rebellious choice. Imagine!!
People v often seemed boring to me cause they wernt chasing the next high in whatever and when ever form it could take .
Since sobriety life, ordinary 2d life is so incredibly 3, and 4d who'd have ever thought! I've had so much colour over these 13yrs it blows me Ed off ( in a serene super good way)
Stability, consistency and familiar are so important to me now. I'll be 50 on the 27th if I was still drinking I believe v little if any of how my life has played out would have done so. I shudder to think how it may / would have looked .
Don't get me wrong it's really not been all daffodils and lambs BUT it has been incredibly enriching and had grown me beyond what I ever would have been and what I so needed to be.
Not only in my spiritual evolution but also in my relational evolution . I can self care and self soothe now neither I was even 1/4 skilled at before . I've grown up and grown out... People and life are so important and having my integrity worth it's weight in Gold and every other precious thing.
The only moderating I do these days is not sitting ( laying in meditation all day π
Thanks for your journey Chelsey and so v many big ones for your 7th anniversary.. I read once that every cell in our body rejuvenates over a 7 yr cycle! We literally become a new person.. Cool hey (βββ‘ββ)οΎ
Chelsey, I enjoy reading your thoughts on drinking, and while they are not necessarily the same as mine, I find a lot in common with your drinking stories. I drank heavily for 35 years, and for the last 7-8 years, quite alcoholically. After nearly killing myself I got sober at 56 and now have 15+ years of sobriety under my belt with the help of AA and my Higher Power (which I call The Universe).
I am fortunate enough that the strength of my Recovery has also exposed my weaknesses. I am an alcoholic and for me there is no middle ground; for me, to drink is to die. And the good news is that there have been very few times in these past 15 years that I have thought at all of drinking. Perhaps I frightened myself sufficiently when I ended up in a hospital to do a medically protected detox, if so, I'm grateful for it. For me, there is no moderation, there is only abstinence or dying an alcoholic death.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your seven years. Keep coming back.
Hi Chelsey, Iβve never had a drinking issue, not even remotely. Every time I try to get into a habit of drinking even a glass of wine on a regular basis to be βsocialβ the habit never solidifies, it just crumbles after a month or two. Itβs just not my thing. Yet thereβs something in your writing that keeps me reading and I think I realize what it is.
Thereβs a level of uncommon honesty along with a clarity in writing and depth of detail that allows me/ gives me space to see/admit 'darkerβ aspects of my experience. Thereβs a commonality in the experience of being that human beings share. Your sharing these writings while focused on your experience of being addicted to alcohol maps closely to addictive like behavior with anything.
I did the est training back in the 70s and got to see my own (of course) and really the universality of human beings βbeingβ etheir mind. Itβs a condition weβre all in by virtue of being human. That condition arises out of identifying with basic functioning of the mind while thinking that that βmind stateβ is oneβs self rather than being oneβs self and recognizing when one has forgotten Self and fallen one again into being oneβs mind.
This endless cycle of self remembering and forgetting and remembering⦠and struggling to break the cycle rather than ongoing surrender to the cycle an aspect of our humanity is what your self expression in these writings presents for me.
So what is the βdarknessβ in being oneβs mind? As the mind is evolved to ensure continuity of human bodies and an aspect of human bodies is thought, most of what most call thinking isnβt actual thinking. Itβs just the nervous system reflexively doing its thing. This relatively unaware level of nervous system expression shows up as very recognizable and common daily activity summarized in the term βrighteousnessβ. Like βbeingβ right while making others wrong. Having to win at all costs. Dominating the environment and others while avoiding being dominated. Always being justified and invalidating others. Wining while having others lose etc etc etc.
A moment of βbeing rightβ for example is an equivalent high of βbeing intoxicatedβ. Itβs a way of getting by, a way of surviving another potentially embarrassing moment of vulnerability.
I assert moments of honesty by being authentic is missing in most human discourse and relationships most of the time. Itβs become our collective condition of life.
Your authenticity in writing opens a space for me and I assume others to be authentic as well and breakthrough the initially seemingly mundane everydayness of the work to being and remaining alive. Thank you for your daring and generous leadership.
Chelsey, this is so well articulated, and so spookily familiar, it makes me want to shout YES!! It is exactly my experience.
The one huge difference between us is that I am twice your age and went on struggling as you describe until nearly 18 months ago, when I stopped completely. What a blessed relief!
The moderation thing is such a depressing, endless, viscious circle - the worst of both worlds. It's hard to stop completely but ultimately so liberating - more than one can ever imagine.
Thank you for your astute explorations.
Ah yes the allure and shinyness of the drink.. The unreal world that seemed so very real to me for a long time..
Anaesthetized somehow in all the gaps ' I can control it, look it's friday and I didn't drink for 5 days - or whatever..
Clawing for Friday like a person in the Sahara who sees the mirage ahead so parched their insides feel like sand paper..
I remember once when I was at uni saying to my lovely ' were all in our 30s gang - whose having a drink? It was lunchtime we were nursing students in the middle of lectures. I got blank stares and couldn't understand why their faces wore them I then proceeded to the bar ordered a half and felt v smug in my headonistic rebellious choice. Imagine!!
People v often seemed boring to me cause they wernt chasing the next high in whatever and when ever form it could take .
Since sobriety life, ordinary 2d life is so incredibly 3, and 4d who'd have ever thought! I've had so much colour over these 13yrs it blows me Ed off ( in a serene super good way)
Stability, consistency and familiar are so important to me now. I'll be 50 on the 27th if I was still drinking I believe v little if any of how my life has played out would have done so. I shudder to think how it may / would have looked .
Don't get me wrong it's really not been all daffodils and lambs BUT it has been incredibly enriching and had grown me beyond what I ever would have been and what I so needed to be.
Not only in my spiritual evolution but also in my relational evolution . I can self care and self soothe now neither I was even 1/4 skilled at before . I've grown up and grown out... People and life are so important and having my integrity worth it's weight in Gold and every other precious thing.
The only moderating I do these days is not sitting ( laying in meditation all day π
Thanks for your journey Chelsey and so v many big ones for your 7th anniversary.. I read once that every cell in our body rejuvenates over a 7 yr cycle! We literally become a new person.. Cool hey (βββ‘ββ)οΎ
Come on the Midlands lasses
Chelsey, I enjoy reading your thoughts on drinking, and while they are not necessarily the same as mine, I find a lot in common with your drinking stories. I drank heavily for 35 years, and for the last 7-8 years, quite alcoholically. After nearly killing myself I got sober at 56 and now have 15+ years of sobriety under my belt with the help of AA and my Higher Power (which I call The Universe).
I am fortunate enough that the strength of my Recovery has also exposed my weaknesses. I am an alcoholic and for me there is no middle ground; for me, to drink is to die. And the good news is that there have been very few times in these past 15 years that I have thought at all of drinking. Perhaps I frightened myself sufficiently when I ended up in a hospital to do a medically protected detox, if so, I'm grateful for it. For me, there is no moderation, there is only abstinence or dying an alcoholic death.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your seven years. Keep coming back.
David Mahler
Hi Chelsey, Iβve never had a drinking issue, not even remotely. Every time I try to get into a habit of drinking even a glass of wine on a regular basis to be βsocialβ the habit never solidifies, it just crumbles after a month or two. Itβs just not my thing. Yet thereβs something in your writing that keeps me reading and I think I realize what it is.
Thereβs a level of uncommon honesty along with a clarity in writing and depth of detail that allows me/ gives me space to see/admit 'darkerβ aspects of my experience. Thereβs a commonality in the experience of being that human beings share. Your sharing these writings while focused on your experience of being addicted to alcohol maps closely to addictive like behavior with anything.
I did the est training back in the 70s and got to see my own (of course) and really the universality of human beings βbeingβ etheir mind. Itβs a condition weβre all in by virtue of being human. That condition arises out of identifying with basic functioning of the mind while thinking that that βmind stateβ is oneβs self rather than being oneβs self and recognizing when one has forgotten Self and fallen one again into being oneβs mind.
This endless cycle of self remembering and forgetting and remembering⦠and struggling to break the cycle rather than ongoing surrender to the cycle an aspect of our humanity is what your self expression in these writings presents for me.
So what is the βdarknessβ in being oneβs mind? As the mind is evolved to ensure continuity of human bodies and an aspect of human bodies is thought, most of what most call thinking isnβt actual thinking. Itβs just the nervous system reflexively doing its thing. This relatively unaware level of nervous system expression shows up as very recognizable and common daily activity summarized in the term βrighteousnessβ. Like βbeingβ right while making others wrong. Having to win at all costs. Dominating the environment and others while avoiding being dominated. Always being justified and invalidating others. Wining while having others lose etc etc etc.
A moment of βbeing rightβ for example is an equivalent high of βbeing intoxicatedβ. Itβs a way of getting by, a way of surviving another potentially embarrassing moment of vulnerability.
I assert moments of honesty by being authentic is missing in most human discourse and relationships most of the time. Itβs become our collective condition of life.
Your authenticity in writing opens a space for me and I assume others to be authentic as well and breakthrough the initially seemingly mundane everydayness of the work to being and remaining alive. Thank you for your daring and generous leadership.
π