The Exhausting Challenge of Moderation

Abstinence once seemed extreme, but now seems the easier option

Photo by Lidia Nikole on Unsplash

In a few days I’ll have been sober for seven years, but the majority of my adult life I was a heavy drinker. The last few years before I quit, I switched between drinking very little and drinking far too much, but all of the time, alcohol weighed heavy on my mind and heart.

It was a wrench to quit entirely. And something I tried desperately not to do. Abstinence seemed an extreme response to what I saw as my minor problem with alcohol.

But in spite of the nuanced nature of my problem compared to the physically addicted drinker, I was unable to moderate successfully.

I would manage for a while, drinking a little, without any negative consequences, and I would be happy and proud - thinking I had wrestled this sneaky pastime into submission.

But eventually, the time would come when drink would, yet again, get the upper hand. I would let go and drink without thinking about the amount or I would have a sudden thirsty craving to just keep drinking. There would be unwanted consequences of some variety - worsening anxiety and mental health, nasty arguments in my romantic relationship or just the deadliest hangover.

And so I would swear off again. Attempt to take a break. And another few weeks or a month of my life would pass, in which I sort of had a handle on my drinking.

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When I finally switched to abstinence, it was only a temporary solution. I wanted to do a year without drinking, and I had failed in this quest enough times that I realised I couldn’t manage it without help. That’s when I started attending AA. I felt very much like a tourist, and I thought that perhaps after I’d managed the year I might finally be able to moderate.

I was amazed to learn that many people end up in AA with precisely this idea. That one day they will drink like a normal person, i.e. that one day they will be able to successfully control their drinking.

Seven years on, I’m still not drinking. Abstinence, extreme as it once seemed, has come to feel like the simpler choice. I just don’t drink. And this frees me up to think about other things besides drinking.

I just focus on other things entirely. And in return, I never ever have to endure another drunken night or deathly hangover.

I know quite a few people who drank a bit like me (or seemed to from what I can tell) who continue to drink, though it sometimes causes issues. They seem to have made progress with moderating, or at least, they are continuing to try. I imagine, to them, abstinence seems extreme or unnecessary, like it used to seem to me.

But from my perspective now, it looks like the more difficult option. I never have to decide whether an occasion is worth a little (or massive) hangover. I never have to work hard to stop after one or two drinks.

No doubt I’m biased, because I’ve chosen abstinence, and I naturally want to affirm that choice, but it really seems now to be the simpler path.

Maybe I’m guilty of all or nothing thinking or maybe I’m considering the question from the wrong angle. Perhaps moderation, though more difficult and time-consuming, offers more fun?

From my seven years sober pov, abstinence, difficult and extreme as it seemed in the beginning, feels like the gentler approach.

For me, quitting entirely freed me up in so many ways, and it felt like I got a freedom over my life that I had never really had before. Predisposition articulated this really well in one of his posts.

“I might explain it by saying that I enjoyed the drinking so much, it overshadowed other things. I was excited for 4:00 PM, so that I could have a drink. Without that, whatever else happened at 4:00 PM would feel boring. Or, I’d look forward to a certain restaurant because of the cocktails they had. Or, I’d be excited about going to a work event because I knew they’d have great wine. I wouldn’t have admitted this at the time. I probably told myself the alcohol was just an ancillary benefit. But the truth is, dinner out is less exciting without anticipating the cocktail list. The work event is less appealing if I know I will have to just ignore that amazing bottle of wine that others are enjoying. Even sitting in the living room to browse my phone at the end of the day became less enjoyable without wine. 

This realization forced a bunch of questions - why was alcohol so central to how I conceived of fun? Why did I think I needed it to make an activity more enjoyable? And how can I continue to enjoy things when alcohol is no longer part of the experience?

These are challenging questions. My sense from observing, listening to, and speaking with people in different kinds of recovery programs is that these questions get at the heart of why it’s hard to stop.”

This is it, exactly. It’s like when I drink, I am always, kind of, waiting to drink. Life takes on a technicolour while drinking that makes the non-drinking hours dreary in contrast. I guess that is what one of the things that worried me about the way I drank.

Even though sometimes I could moderate. And sometimes there weren’t dreadful consequences.

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What I know for sure, is that by 33 I had spent more of my life than I was comfortable with either drunk or critically hungover, and I am really glad not to be doing that anymore as I scoot into my 40s. I’m glad I took the more extreme choice, and if you relate to my drinking, I’d recommend giving it a go.

I root especially hard for people who drank like me, the ones who weren’t physically addicted, but psychologically dependent. I know their path is challenging in a more nuanced way than those who destroy their lives with their addiction. It is so hard to quit drinking when you sometimes seem to have control. When you sometimes have a fun time.

If you need help to strengthen your abstaining muscles, then browse the Beautiful Hangover archives. Posts go behind the paywall after a couple of weeks, but you can access them by signing up for a free trial of the paid subscription.

And if you enjoy the archive, consider making the subscription permanent!

If you want/need access to the archive but can’t afford it, email me and I will comp you.

I wrote dozens of articles as I was learning to abstain, and I hear from readers often saying they have been helpful.

So thanks for reading, and good luck! Wherever you are in your drinking less/living better quest I am rooting for you.

Chelsey x