Three Discoveries I Made in Sobriety that Might Have Kept Me Drinking

Six years of sobriety feels good, but it wasn’t always this way.

Mar 21, 2023

cloud above ocean — Photo by Pawel Nolbert on Unsplash

The further I get from my first years of sobriety the more I recognize how difficult they were. So much needed to change! And it happened sooo slowly.

The uncomfortable truth is that you are right to be hesitant about getting sober. It is a huge transition. You will, in the process, become a completely different sort of person. You have to ask yourself, is that what you want?

Naturally, the urgent question you have, before you quit booze, is: Will the effort be worth it?

The more interesting question, perhaps: Who are you really? Underneath all that posturing and bravado? And are you ready to find out?

For me, abstinence has paid off. Eventually. But it wasn’t always easy. Honestly, if I’d known all the ways my life would change, and how much work was ahead, I might never have agreed to this journey.

In spite of certain unexpected discoveries that drinking me might not have signed off on, I’m glad we made the transition. Here's why.

1. My sober life is boring and I love it

My relationship is stable now. We are building a life together which is peaceful and pleasant. We have created a solid base from which to… just live. No emotional rollercoaster. No big rows. No more constant questioning: does he really love me? Can I trust him? Should I try to marry this guy?

I feel secure and comfortable and calm, and this *may* have been intolerable to the still-drinking version of me.

While I drank I was tormented by notions that life was supposed to be exciting and I was supposed to be exceptional. I picked up this idea as a teenager and never got around to challenging it. Even when I got a book deal with a big publisher I was more anxious than satisfied. And though my book won a national prize I struggled to see the project as a success. I was focused on the national prizes it didn’t win. Paying attention to the books that were doing better. Or the authors who had written more.

In the years since I got sober, I have developed a more mature and balanced perspective about how life is supposed to be. I am still ambitious about my writing but I am better at celebrating the wins, accepting the losses, and - importantly - enjoying the process

A quiet and organized and happy home has become much more valuable to me. As has being healthy. I spend a fair amount of time nurturing these things. At weekends I do chores with my partner. Sometimes, we nap. Or exercise. Or see friends for dinner or a walk.

My life is calm and repetitive (also known as boring) and maybe it's the novelty after the drinking years, but I love it.

Still, it has taken a few years to get comfortable with this level of comfort. And drinking me might not have signed off on this future.

She cared about residencies and adventures and pushing herself out of her comfort zone. She had little time for home-making, too.

I had no idea she would be so happy nesting like this.

2. I am neither happy-go-lucky nor laidback, and I'm ok with it.

Discovering this was a real blow. Beer allowed me to be fun and easygoing. Removing it showed me that I was uptight AF.

Getting sober meant I had to learn how to navigate dozens of situations without ‘taking the edge off’. It meant living with myself 24/7. This was exhausting and, occasionally, excruciating.

Fast forward six years and I've come to enjoy the clarity of continuous sobriety. But it took a long time to appreciate uninterrupted consciousness.

It was uncomfortable sometimes, discovering who I really am, and what I actually like. There was a lot of experimentation and a fair few wrong turns along the way, but I am ok with the person I am becoming.

It is hard work, building a life that actually suits you, but once you have it established things become more manageable.

If I had known how long it would take to feel okay with myself, as I really am, and deal with my various traumas, would I have stuck to the path?

I hope so. But I cannot be sure. It certainly wasn't what I was signing up for when I first began my quest to quit booze.

3. I'm neurodivergent

A few years into sobriety I became convinced I had ADHD. A lot of the stuff that I had believed booze caused continued after I quit. Losing my keys and bank card and wallet. Forgetting instructions and being unable to follow them. Absentmindedness, generally.

Turns out I was right and I got a diagnosis of ADHD in 2021.

Something I never suspected was autism. I was diagnosed in 2020.

This explained my chronic social anxiety and hatred of bright lights, my love of alone time.

But if Drinking You knew what was underneath all that wine, would they have managed to quit?

Not everybody will turn out to be neurodiverse (though there is a correlation between addiction and neurodiversity) but most of us will find something. Trauma or abandonment issues or depression.

After all, we turn to drink for a reason. Or reasons.

The self-understanding that has come as a result of these discoveries has outweighed the discord. But it's been a journey to arrive here.

I don't write this to scare you. But to encourage you forwards. To tell you, it will be worth it.

Overcoming your dependence on alcohol, whatever that looks like, is a big change, and it takes work.

A year in, I wasn’t totally convinced.

Two years in, I had some reservations.

Three years in, I was getting comfortable with the new way.

Year four, I began to feel like I might, sometimes at least, be thriving.

Recovery is a long game. And it isn't linear. Life gets better incrementally. There are steps forward and leaps back. This is the nature of life

And it's why it’s important to have people beside you who can celebrate the small wins. And pick you up if you stumble.

Stay sober and do your best to have a good day and be the best version of yourself, and eventually, your life can't help but get better. Right?

Let me know what you think.

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