What Is Masking and How Can We Stop?

Are autistic women getting their diagnoses later, because they are better at hiding their symptoms?

Apr 25, 2021

The very first inkling I had that I might be autistic was… Well, actually, I had no inkling whatsoever until a Special Educational Needs teacher asked me: “have you ever considered that you might be autistic?”

I had not.

I mean I knew I struggled with many many things. But of all the diagnoses I'd Web MD'd, autism was not one of them.

So I started to research. I read the lesser-known story of how autism can present in women (without comorbid learning disabilities).

Gender dysphoria; food sensitivities, insomnia: issues with executive function; social anxiety; allergic to injustice; less noticeably odd 'special interests'; subtler stims; difficulty with initiative; the list went on and on.

Many of the traits that made me feel different from others were frequently part and parcel of autism. Six months later, a senior clinical psychiatrist diagnosed me as autistic. (It would have been Asperger’s if that label were still in use.)

But how could I have made it to 37 without anyone noticing I was autistic? Not my parents. Not my teachers. Not even me?

Quite easily, it turns out.

Numerous mainstream articles and research papers are being published documenting and studying the late diagnosis of women. It seems that the general public, GPs and clinicians are lacking education about the different ways autism can present, and so women are being missed.

The stereotypical emotionally cold man who loves science and maths (Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, basically) is too prevalent in the picture.

Also, women and girls’ social conditioning means we have an increased tendency/ability/motivation to ‘mask’ our difference. Often we do this without even realizing. And so we are said to ‘fly under the radar’.

It’s easy to see how this could happen. After all, women and girls are used to being policed and policing themselves.

Be a good girl!

Be quiet!

You're too bossy!

That's not very ladylike!

Oh very graceful(!)

In last week’s newsletter, I wrote about Polite Robot mode, which is another technique I used to ‘fly under the radar’ without even realizing.

So how can we tell whether we have been masking? And more importantly, how do we stop?

To shed more light on the phenomena, here are some instances of techniques I have used to fit in i.e. avoid being bullied to death. (NB, I was still frequently bullied.)

Masking techniques, or how I hide my ‘weirdness’

1. The Top Secret Buddy System™ est. 1989

My main coping strategy for many years was the Top Secret Buddy System™.

In the Top Secret Buddy System™, you find someone more socially capable and then attach yourself to them, mollusk-style. You do this in order to benefit from a) finding your way around b) learning the rules of engagement and c) getting clues about what the hell is going on. You may get splattered in the overspill of their cool juices.

The Top Secret Buddy System™ hides awkward facts such as that you have no sense of place or direction; you have no initiative (you're already working so hard just to keep up); that you are incapable of spontaneity; and that you never really want to do anything except read, write, eat, sleep and watch TV. Oh, and that you strongly dislike leaving the house.

The Top Secret Buddy System™ is an unconscious behavior that I only identified recently.

I can still resort to this when thrown into group situations, and it still helps. These days I make sure to choose someone kind and conscientious, who won’t take advantage of a mollusk like me.

2. Agreeing via complex systems of nods

I am a world-class nodder.

If in doubt, stay quiet and nod. Eventually, you will see that you can fade into the background. Become a social ghost. Both there and not there. After a while, people stop addressing you directly. You become invisible. Da-da! People think you are shy or quiet, but not necessarily weird, and certainly (probably?) not disabled.

I still resort to nodding often. When my clever friends discuss politics.

Or colleagues air frustrations or suggest solutions for systems or procedures I have never actually understood.

When I’m working hard to follow social cues and interact according to the many MANY neurotypical rules of engagement (DON’T interrupt, DON’T talk too long, DON’T be inappropriate, DON’T be negative), I can’t always access the information stored in my brain.

I’m often uncertain whether what I do have to say fits in the current context, and so I hold back.

I nod, rather than admit I’m unclear what’s going on.

Colleagues offer interesting thoughts and helpful suggestions, and I wonder how they are doing it. I listen to the tumbleweed drift through my skull.

Since my diagnosis, I have a better understanding of what is going on here. I need longer to process information, and preferably some time alone to do so. Sometimes, I just can’t care. I want to, but I don’t seem to have the equipment inside to force myself.

Shrug emoji.

3. Interact with the world via writing wherever possible

Writing is my primary form of communication. I feel much more confident on paper than in person, which is both a curse (life is not a book ALAS) and a gift (but writing books is so wonderful!).

I need writing to be okay. Because when I am writing, I can finally relax. I have full access to the information in my brain, and it feels wonderful. I can access memories, knowledge and vocabulary with ease.

Writing feels like being in my element in a way that talking rarely does.

These days, I am aiming to mask less because it is exhausting. And because I want to save my energy for the parts of life that come more easily to me. Plus, some of the research suggests that those of us who do mask a lot experience a negative impact on our wellbeing.

(No shit, Sherlock.)

So how do you stop masking?

First, realize why you do it. And recognize how you do it. When do you feel the most pressure to ‘normal up’? And when do feel more able to relax?

How can you create more you-friendly circumstances? Are there any reasonable adjustments you could ask for to help destress the more challenging situations?

Recognize your likes and dislikes as valid and worthy of respect. Learn to say no to invitations that don’t appeal to you. Admit if you don’t have the energy for long walks or large parties. Practice disagreeing.

Ask for time to think about things. Respond via email. Avoid people who overwhelm you or refuse to give you sufficient time and space.

Find equipment that soothes you. Weighted blankets might help. Eye masks. Noise-canceling headphones. Earplugs. Hot water bottles.

Give your nervous system time to relax. It has already been on overdrive for so many years! Poor thing.

I used to drink to push myself to be more sociable, but why? Because I thought it was required. Thankfully, I found out that it wasn’t, and I much prefer my sober life.

If I want to stay home with my cat on a Friday night (and I do, always) then I can. If I want to stay home and write, then that’s okay too. Hurray!

I am discovering that the more I give myself what I want and need, the better life feels.

By admitting the truth of who you are, and respecting it, you become more comfortable with it. It isn’t always easy. But masking isn’t easy either.

Drinking was a mask for me. And what happened when I let it go was that life got better. What happens when you experiment with letting your mask go?

What techniques have you tried? How does the world respond?

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