What this newsletter is now, nine years sober...
A note to the ones who followed me for sobriety
Hi everyone,
This is a note I’ve been meaning to write for a long time, to the thousands of you who first found me through Beautiful Hangover - the blog I started on Medium after I got sober, kinda by mistake, back in 2016.
Back then, I was trying to rebuild my life without alcohol, and for some reason I started telling the internet everything. I didn’t know what I was doing. But it worked! Something about writing publicly helped me stay accountable (that, and AA) - and, maybe more importantly, helped me feel less alone, in my new life. And the fact that so many of you came along for the ride meant so much.
But over the past few years, things have shifted…
Why I Paid £700+ For A Private Diagnosis
Autism was first suggested to me as an explanation for my difficulties in November 2020. I had been signed off work for a couple of weeks in March because of stress (which I now recognize as autistic burnout) and suspect I only made it through the subsequent term because lockdown enabled me to work from home.
In 2020 I was diagnosed as Autistic and ADHD. (In retrospect: obviously. Also, duh.) And it changed how I understood everything, including why I drank the way I did, and what it had been doing for me. So I started a new blog called Polite Robot, here, on Substack.
Do You Ever Act Like a Polite Robot?
Polite Robot smiles small and listens intently. It asks questions and doesn’t talk too much. It walks with dainty steps and tries to be quiet.
And it was a featured newsletter in 2021!
But for some reason I changed things up again. Blame the ADHD/internalised ableism… I was freshly diagnosed and didn’t want to be typecast by these ‘labels’.
I was also tired of the Medium hamster wheel content churn-out of writing about sobriety (+ all the How To Make It On Medium articles, yuck) so I eventually moved everything over to Substack - including all of you.
In classic Autistic style, I didn’t think to communicate any of this. And so here I am, years later, retro-explaining. 🙄
Anywho, now the newsletter’s called Overthink Tank, and it’s become a place where I try to make sense of all these different layers: identity, neurodivergence, creativity, motherhood, recovery, masking. It’s a bit messy, very personal, and rarely just about alcohol. But this is me.
Sobriety/drinking as a subject underpins all of my work, as it was such a crucial beginning AND I’ve come to believe through the research I’ve done that a lot of people struggling with alcohol - or any kind of compulsive coping (shopping, gambling, perfectionism, eating, sex…) should at least consider whether they might be masked (by which I mean, undiagnosed) neurodivergents.
It doesn’t explain everything, but for me, it unlocked a deeper layer. I wasn’t just drinking to have fun or self-destruct - I was drinking to relax, to cope, to function, to get a break from my brain. Self-medicating, not anxiety or depression as I first thought, but a difference in cognitive functioning that impacts every moment of my day, and makes life pretty flipping stressful, especially when you are without the right knowledge to seek support.
I was drinking to try and fit into a world and a life and a relationship that just didn’t fit.
So this is me saying: I know this might not be what you signed up for. And that’s OK.
If you’re not finding value in these posts anymore, I get it. Please unsubscribe any time, and I’ll always be glad you were here. But if you are curious about how neurodivergence intersects with creativity, addiction, parenting, work, etc. then I’d love you to stay.
AND if the neurodiversity stuff doesn’t speak to you, there might still be something here that’s useful. I’ve recently begun the ONE TRUE YES/NO CHALLENGE - a simple tool I use to tune in to what I actually want. Perfect for people pleasers and newly sober or soberish people as well as the late-diagnosed lot.
AND I’ve just launched a new series called Working on a Dream, which is all about not giving up on the creative life you once imagined for yourself, even if it’s gone quiet. (Hi.)
Both are designed to be useful, even if you don’t relate to labels or diagnoses.
I post voice notes on Wednesdays (paid perk for now), longform posts on Thursdays (free forever) and my secret diaries for paid subscribers on Sundays.
And I have a book coming out next year, so I will share excerpts and behind-the-scenes info from that, too.
Thanks for sticking with me, or supporting me along the way. It has changed my life.
With love and gratitude,
Chelsey xoxo
P.S. If you are still reading and want to say hi, or let me know what brought you here originally - I’d love to hear from you. Also, if you want to give me a steer on what on earth I should be including in this newsletter, please do. I need all the help I can get : D
📚 Chelsey Flood is the author of award-winning novels Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, and a senior lecturer in creative writing at UWE. She is currently working on a book for Jessica Kingsley Publishers about the connection between undiagnosed neurodiversity and addiction + her first domestic noir. 📚
Hi Chelsey. A brilliantly drawn portrait of a wonderfully complex situation. Probably something a lot of people can relate to. You've done amazingly to keep going and let all the different ideas emerge and take form. You make your description look easy, but I can see why an explanation didn't come naturally till now. I find I take ages to think stuff through - I usually only succeed by looking sideways at something else and leaving my subconscious to pick up the work and pop out the result in some unexpected quiet moment long after I've forgotten I asked it. My subconscious is much clever than me, and doesn't panic or overthink. I get exhausted. Too many ideas that I can't keep up with, then none at all. Keep up the good work! Hugely impressed that you are managing it with job and baby, and I look forward to your books.
Thank you Chelsey for the reminder to write my story for you!
It’s something I’ve done before but I need to restructure it from an autistic/adhd lens.
I got sober at 30, diagnosed dyslexic at 36 diagnosed autistic with adhd at 46
Coming up to 26 years sober this week! My babies are fully grown adults with their own neurodivergent stories, and my dad at 82 is beginning to accept that he has ADHD and Autism
It’s a great journey, and lovely to find other souls to share the paths